Scatteredfafa

(Pinterest) Horses are one of my favourite living things. (It's just a random monologue, don't read too much into it) Someone once told me, I'm like a wild horse. I think I really am. I have no desire of being tamed and I can never imagine giving up my liberty to live in the stables. I cannot part with the innate need of freedom to explore, even the unknown nothingness.  I know you don't mean to put a leash around my neck, yet I still feel your weight of needing and longing clinging on to me. A weighted blanket that was supposed to give me warmth but instead clamping me down by my own inner frantic. I know you loved me, but you can't love a wild horse even if it stayed put for you. It doesn't belong there, and things that don't belong dies, rotting from their souls. Love, once upon a time in full bloom, wilts.  Sometimes I'm afraid to tell you I need to go even though I know you'll love me enough to understand. I'm scared you'll let me go too...

(Pinterest) This is me, scrolling through my emails from one month ago  I'm scared of checking my emails. There's no other way to put it.  I'm not lazy to do it, I know it's fear. And an absurd one. Doesn't mean it's anything less scary. Just because you tell yourself ghosts don't exist, doesn't mean you don't get scared when you're alone at night and you hear someone crying (Is it just me again?). Sometimes the unexplainable fear is what gets people killed.  I find myself holding my breath everytime I wait for the email page to load. Everytime I see emails from my college, I want to run and hide away in another country. Even before reading it. And most of the time, it's just an email telling me what other stupid event they have that month. Emails give me anxiety. Even the friendly ones from Big Bad Wolf telling me yet another sale. I don't know why. Bad news always come in emails. Being rejected by internships. Grades. Marked assignments...

(Pinterest)  "Why do good people suffer and die young?" I used to accept the answer "because Good people are beautiful flowers and God picks them first". But this answer makes me angry at God and it makes me anxious when my loved ones are too kind. Then one day, it dawned on me. There are many good people who lived a great life (maybe full of hardships but came through in the end) and passed away at an old age with a contented heart. People like Chuck Feeney(perfectly alive), J.R.R Tolkien, Nelson Mandela. Well, perhaps you could argue that maybe they are bad people after all.  That might be a valid argument since we can never truly know them but unless anyone can prove it, based on known facts, I'd like to say they are good people.   So maybe it's not that bad things always happen to only good people. It's just that there are more good people in this world. The world is essentially filled with more people for us to love than hate. Thus when tragedy stri...

At the start of quarantine, I was thrilled to be able to do online classes. It meant I don't need to socialise, don't need to face terrible humans or be stucked in traffic jams which I could feel sucking the life out of me. (Pinterest) Me in my fluffy bath robe and 150ml of wine for the antioxidants every other night. Time passed, online classes for my final year in University has come to an end, and we are still stuck in quarantine. Again. To be honest, I'm starting to get.... lonely. A sign confirming that I am human with social needs. There goes any hope of me getting notified that I am actually a mermaid. I have caring friends and a loving family, but I still feel lonely sometimes. It confuses me too. I talk to my family everyday but sometimes I just feel this pang of emptiness. My friends seem to be living busy and fulfilled lives that I'm always scared I might be talking too much (which I know is absurd). I'm always alone in my room and although I love being f...

"If you  don't  heal  from what  hurt you ,  you ' ll bleed  on people who didn't cut  you ." – Tamara Kulish. Have you ever felt like a lumpy piece of rag doll? Angry and depressed at the same time? So hurt that all you want to do is hurt other people. You don't actually want to hurt them, you just want them to understand how you feel  or simply to have someone punished in the hope to ease the pain. A used, filty, torn rag doll. Have you ever lashed out or did something horribly wrong to someone out of anger at yourself or someone else? The guilt afterwards which you try to suppress by convincing yourself that you were not wrong, they crossed the line by not understanding but you knew you were just punishing them for something entirely not their fault. It's embarassing and hard to admit, but I've been there. Just like the lion from the story 'Androcles and The Lion'. A lion who roared at everyone because it was in agony from a thorn embedded i...

A light and sweet topic today! Yummy! (Sleeping Beauty) Anxiety woman, anxiety. I'm pretty health conscious but I do think cake is a marvellous creation and one of the things that makes life amazing. Cake, with its sweetness, its colour, and simply its presence. It's part of who I am. In my family, we always have cakes, it's a must-have for any celebrations. Even for days when life throws lemon at one of us, we'd get a cake (Lemon cake sounds delicious), perhaps just a slice and everything would feel better if not alright. Or sometimes we have cakes, just because. I have had over 100 whole cakes with my family (A simple calculation of totalling up our ages and not to mention all the other occasions) and cheers to more to come. The five of us, huddling around a cake, sometimes a big round dense cake or just two exquisite slices, sharing the sweetness and joy, and also the bitter in life. I guess you could say, I am so lucky, I can have my cake and eat it too. (Just in ca...

 Life is suffering, it’s undeniable. But life is also a blessing. I know I love being alive more than being dead. When something bad happens, and life seems too difficult to carry on, we might say ‘we want to die’ but it’s not true. We want to live, we just want life where that ‘thing’ doesn’t happen or perhaps someone else’s life which really is just our imagination. We are not rejecting life, we just want a different one that is a little less sad. Is death part of life or the end of it? Do we cross over to a new adventure? I hope afterlife exists and it’s a sequal of life. I can’t imagine being ‘nothing’ when there’s so many ‘somethings’ here that I cannot love anymore. Even if there is an afterlife, I want to be here, not there. It’s not what I want but must go to and as a free-spirited person, I object to this coercion by God. It appears that I can do nothing and I don’t want to waste my time being sa d over something I cannot control. I can control what I do with my life a...

 Oh Woah Wow, I've just read back my last post, sounds so vulnerable. What was I doing? It's fine. I don't feel like deleting it. I need to practise what I preach, that vulnerability is good. It may help someone and let them know that it's okay to feel what they feel and it's perfectly normal. I used to think being sad was pathetic which I know is an extreme case of dehumanising. I said what I said and I still love me on days when I am more emotional. Today is one of those days when I'm feeling extremely good and confident. I've just listened to a podcast and I'm feeling empowered. The comments section was flooded with girls supporting each other. I love it when we have each other's back, not stabbing them.  I actually have prepared a few blog posts, ready to go but a new topic has popped up at this point which I think is quite an interesting one. What to do when we no longer like what we posted?  Well, we can definitely delete them, that's our f...

 I love writing, that’s what I do when I’m happy, sad, (insert every other kind of emotions). Really, any feelings at all. I like to see my soul in words. However, my insecurities have always reminded myself that I’ll never be good enough, ‘Your english is not that good’,’You don’t read enough anyways’, ‘Don’t act like you know things’, but I’m ‘coming out’ today! It’s so scary yet it makes me so happy. Life is too short to not be yourself and flaunt every inch of who you are since no one really cares but you. I love writing cards, letters, structured text messages or random notes. The note in my phone is ful l of conversations that I have with myself. Short stories that I never finish because I’d convince myself it’s not a good idea to waste time on. I was criticised for being too emotional, over-thinking and immature (mainly by myself), and it got to me, so I ran away and locked myself in a tower of self-deprecation. I scribbled all over the walls, thinking it would be enough t...