Scatteredfafa

In a blink of an eye, there are only 4 months left to another new year.  I would like to first congratulate all of us for surviving. Survival has been the ultimate goal these two years. Despite the many disappointments and regrets over what-could-haves, I am immensely grateful to be alive. I'll leave the more thoughtful and tear-jerking 'essay' reflecting the year in December, I just want to whip up something short about my thoughts and feelings on these past 8 months. The first 3 months was me being burned out and busy with moot competition. People say, "To do one thing that scares you every year", I've gotten that out of the way early on. They were dark days filled with anxiety and nervousness. Surprisingly in the midst of it all, I still had a lot of fun. It's the first time in many years that I finally allowed myself to relax over studying and not to punish myself too hard. I'm really glad I took that leapt to step out of my comfort zone, even thou...

My favourite movie is Little Women. I read the book before I watched the movie, and I love the storyline so much just as it is, but Little Women (2019) by Greta Gerwig catapulted the story to a whole new level, adding on modern twists of feminism and giving us a satisfying ending. It's my comfort movie. Sometimes I just watch my favourite scenes, just to remind myself I'm not alone in feeling the way I feel. I strongly urge everyone to watch it, starring Emma Watson, Timothee Chalamet and Saoirse Ronan and all the other actors are wonderful as well.  The storyline is simple, nothing exciting, but it's definitely not boring. Centering around the four March sisters and the boy next door, taking us through their childhood and stepping into adulthood. It's relatable, we all go through the same threshold, saying goodbye to childhood. But like Jo, it's more difficult for me to move on, and it's comforting to know Jo feels the same way. Although she's fictional, th...

I've been easing my way back to social media after going cold turkey two years ago. It has been surprisingly easy, emotionally.  I guess I can never go back to instagram unless they fix their shit. I think it has banned me from instagram after I've abandoned it for so long. I was only gone for two years, but I can feel instagram punishing me. I've tried for hours to get back in, I almost cried out of frustration, but then I reminded myself, maybe this is a sign, it's protecting me from something. I just got to believe it, cause there's no other choice. But of course I have another private account where I posted daily, and I could access that account without a hitch. After being on that account for a few days, my conclusion is that, I didn't miss out much and it's so boring. So, I've deleted instagram. I'm still frustrated and kinda sad about not being able to access my main account, I mean I probably will abandon it again, but not having the choice t...

Imagine this: You're in the library, expecting to get some work done in peace and quiet, undistracted. Then two girls sitting infront you start whispering. You tell yourself it's okay, everyone talks sometimes, maybe they're just discussing questions for awhile. You're an understandable person. But soon you realised they're not. Snorts of laughter ensues, and few other friends join in. The raucous doesn't seem to be stopping soon. It's you against them, what do you do?  It's morning. You had a rough night overthinking or doing work, but it's a new day and you woke up determined to make it a better day. You plan to have a good hearty breakfast but as soon as you appear in the kitchen, your parents start to complain about everything in this world or tell you about their friends. You're usually interested, but not today, not this early hour. You've tuned out, but the sound is still there, loud and banging. I have many other examples of situation...

Two best friends laid horizontally across the bed, with their legs up against the wall and their hair fanning around them. The occasional sound of lonely cars racing along the dark highway outside, reminding them time has not stopped during their pensiveness. The silence between them was understanding and comfortable, an invisible message hanging in the air: "I'm here for you".  Telulah turned her head to the left and looked at Fiona, who was so still as if she was holding her breath, afraid to disturb the peaceful night. She poked her friend's face, relieved that she was still alive.  "If I'm ever reborn, not that I would want to come to this goddamn world again, I want to be a dog", Telulah said with a deadpan expression, her voice croaking a little at the start. Her delicate eyelashes still wet and crumpled from the weight of her overflown tears. Fiona, continued staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars scattered on the ceiling, afraid to look at her fri...

22k cases. My mind can't wrap around the logic of how this is happening. I believe everyone is as fed up as I am. It's a frustration that's brimming and even the lid is flying off, the whole being about to explode. It's an invisible itch that appears to be crawling along every inch of the skin. The question that haunts me, driving me up the wall to yell at everyone: "how the fuck did we get to this point?"  I've been like a lunatic. Randomly saying how life is meaningless and making jokes about how stupid everyone is. Fake it till you make it they say. Waiting for someone to inject hope into the wound swollen with pus of despair. I have a great imagination, but it has failed me, because I cannot imagine what could make me happy today or even in the future.  I love being busy, I don't like my mind. Ever since the lockdown, it has just been a constant inner fight. I can never go to therapy because I'd feel bad for wasting the therapist's time and...

It was the peak of the Perseid meteor shower a few days ago. Growing up watching Disney, I've always wanted to see a shooting star. Even as a young adult, having spent my whole life learning about logic and reason, there's still this small light of hope inside that if I wish hard enough, a shooting star would hear me and make my wish come true. My wishes have grown bigger and bolder; from the desire of turning into a princess to being happy everyday. There's so much I want to wish for. I want to wish for everyone I love. I wish I could write them all down on a piece of paper and throw it up into the sky and a star would reach for it.  We all could use a wish, especially this year. And so on that day, I waited for the dark sky to rain stars. I waited since 8pm, craning my neck and straining my eyes, just staring at the black sky. But there wasn't even one star in sight, just the moon lonely hanging, surrounded by the polluted air. I wanted to be sad alone, to bathe in my...

I’ve watched a domestic abuse happened right infront of me before. I was just a visitor, I was just a child, I was just there at the wrong time. I remember it vividly how I could feel the fear before the strike happened. The tension in the air as the abuser paced back and forth, his voice raising as harsh words are spewed out and how in a rush he strode in and repeatedly slap her. How it ended was a blur, but I remember the look of the bruises.   The memory never goes away. And I wasn’t even part of it. It has been years and when that person is around, all I can think is that moment. I got a glimpse at the monster he is just for a few minutes, and that’s who he is to me for the rest of my life. I can never forgive him for what he did, and luckily I never need to. I’ve read many books on domestic abuse. Even if the victim tries to convince us readers to look at the good side of the abusers, nothing can soften the steel voice in my mind that they need to leave. But I’ve been re...

I find my mind drifting to the future recently. Imagining the days I would have, the life that I wish I would lead. It's so fun decorating the house I have in my mind. It's like playing sims social or cafe story (My knowledge of games is limited). I would probably still stay here in my little town. I love my little town. The other place I might consider moving to is Ipoh, no explainable reasons. Maybe it's the rumours of good food or the excellent people I know who come from Ipoh. I actually love the current house I'm staying. My room is the best place in the world. But if my parents want to sell it and move back to their hometown, and my sisters are married, I'd want a small little apartment. Like those in F.R.I.E.N.D.S but I think that would be difficult or impossible to find here. It's not going to be minimalistic. Decorations would be everywhere, souvenirs and gifts from loved ones or places I've travelled to, all displayed in the living room. There woul...

I stared at my bookshelves. A haphazard collection of books from different genres. My eyes skimmed through the titles and I caught myself regretting buying some of them even when I know I shouldn't be. I plucked out a book wedged so deeply among others, one that I read when I was in primary school. My fingers left their mark on the dusty cover, I have no recollection of what the book was about, and after reading the description, I cannot remember why I found that book interesting enough to buy it. I hate my younger self for buying such an expensive book which I don't even want to read. I don't remember whether I used to love it. It's one of the signs that I've grown up. Another proof that people change.  With a heavy heart, I wipe off the sheen of dust on the books, flipping through the weathered pages, trying to remember at what age did I meet and hold them for the first time. Books are just objects but to put them away, they mean more than that, it's a reminde...

Miley Cyrus, the one I loved. I loved both Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus. Hannah Montana The Movie was my comfort movie. I've watched it a thousand times. I have DVDs of her shows and her books. I have Hannah Montana stickers. I drew posters of her. My MP3 had only her songs. I knew all of her songs. I cried when we couldn't find a bag with her face on it. I used her photos as profile pictures and got angry when my other friend (who was also a fan) had better photos of her. My pencil case was her, my bag was her, my life evolved around her. She made me very happy.  Then she grew up and became very hot. She had very long mermaid hair. I cried when Hannah Montana show ended but I embraced the new her and her movies. I've watched LOL and The Last Song more times than raesonable. I liked those movies solely because she was in them. I loved her love story with Liam Hemsworth. I obssessed over her. I loved the way she looked and her style. She was so lowkey and her songs were am...

One of the sweetest scenes I've ever watched I watched this movie because it's suggested as a love story between an INFP and ENFJ. I love 90s movies. Notting Hill, My Girl, 10 things I hate about you, When Harry Met Sally, 13 going 30 etc. I've watched them all,I don't know why I've never heard of this movie, but I'm happy to have something new to watch. I don't know anyone else who I can have a 90s movie marathon with, it's really sad. I can't quite put my finger on the difference between old movies and now, there's just this classical element in old movies which just makes them valuable and meaningful. Maybe it's the dialogue or the originality of the plot. I love the 90s fashion! The movies now are just full of sex and weird. I digress.  What I love most about this movie is their conversation. Nothing exciting really happens in the movie. It's just them talking and walking around Venice. The chemistry is blinding. From the beginning to...

Olympic drama, politics, plague, people etc! So many things! So many problems! So many hate! So many evil! I'm moving to another planet, where love grows flowers and tears heal all wounds. I'm just tired, knowing very well that I have not done anything for the fight against evil and contributed nothing to the world but I still wish I can bring joy and hope amidst the chaos. I don't care about drama where it just involves pure hate, not scandals and conspiracy theories. Politics hurts my feelings, I can't believe how selfish politicians can sleep at night. If I think too much about the coronavirus, I don't think I can function. It seems like everyone is preoccupied with either one of those things right now, I wouldn't want to be a bother. And so I isolate myself and I write. I've been writing everyday, but I never finish any of them. Conversations with myself has increased tenfold and I have this nagging feeling to be a whole new person and start a new life. ...