Scatteredfafa

Healing is a process. Self love, a relationship with yourself is like any other relationships, it's not perfect and sometimes a turbulence hits.  I've just realised that these few days, I have not been true to myself and it has caused me to relapse. I don't know where my mind went, I wasn't conscious. Doing things that I don't want to do and being a pathetic beta. Let's call her out shall we.  Few nights ago, a group of friends of mine wanted to have a call, I didn't really want to but I went anyways. I was quiet the whole time, I felt even lonelier than being alone. I've never known how to end or leave a call, and so I stayed on, and I hated myself for that so much. It's not their fault. I wanted to be part of their group. I messed up my own sleep schedule and neglected my own feelings, and ended up being really angry at myself. The old me wouldn't have done that, the old me cared about me. I need to believe that I'm good enough that people ...

Both my aunt and uncle were getting vaccinated yesterday and they asked me for a favour to babysit my cousins. I have to admit I was more thrilled than I allowed myself to show. I've always wanted the alone time to torture them. HAHAHA. I was there by 7.30am. My cousins were still sleeping and I had some quiet alone time to read. I was about to fall asleep again when I heard little twinkling sounds of my little cousin's ankle bracelet. Like a zombie, with her eyes half closed and hair tousled, she stumbled drunkenly to a corner and just squatted there. It was weird but she has always been weird and quiet, so I just went back reading and let her 'sober up'. But after a few minutes, I finally noticed something was wrong, she looked guilty and too silent. I walked towards her and asked her what was wrong (as if I expected an answer), that was when I saw the pool of water she was drenched in. In hindsight, I should have noticed something was wrong My reflex action was to ca...

I have always loved playing 'paradoxical games' where I create hypothetical and sometimes illogical scenarios and ask people what would they do. It's really interesting to hear their justifications and reasonings for their choices.  There's a book called "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas". It's a short story about a utopia called Omelas. People there live prosperously in an abundance of joy with days full of festivities. A fairytale land where people daydream to run away to. However, this gaiety of everyone comes with a price, they must make sure that one innocent child will always be kept away in despair; shrouded in perpetual darkness, crouched among his own filth and diseases, forbiddened to ever be cared for and never allowed to taste any tenderness of love. Anyone who break the rule would jeopardise not only themselves but put the land under a curse, turning into a dystopia. To succumb to the rules and turn an eye away from such evil, surpressing on...

'Begonia' is a type of flower symbolising caution, bringing with it ominous warnings of grave dangers and horrible consequences.  Dull colours and dire opening monologue, foretelling us this is for those who have been touched by sadness: everyone. It's the kind of movie that leaves you floating on the ocean, surrounded by your own feelings which threatens drown you when the closing song plays and you're still stuck in the movie long after it ends. There's a similarity with japanese anime especially Studio Ghibli's 'Spirited Away' but it's actually a Chinese animated fantasy movie. Before credits can be given to the movie itself, the story behind the birth of this presumed unlikely success, is enough to draw an oviation. It took more than a decade to produce this movie, with meager finance and powered by just a few people with nothing but talent and a dream. Perfection does not bloom overnight. The sky beneath the sea is gloomy and it domes over the ...

Just watched the news, it's heartbreaking to see the devastating condition we are in. We can cry and we can be angry, but we must never lose hope. We must do the best we can with the bitter lemons thrown at us. We have to focus on things that matter in life and appreciate every little thing that is good. Be kinder and more thoughtful of others. Care more, it doesn't hurt. Be there for someone who needs you. Make someone laugh, make sure they know you're there for them.  Because right now, everyone could use with a little love and laughter.

I miss life before this nightmare. I've compromised the 'new normal' which requires face masks in public and wired my brain into not standing too close to people, but now we are thrown back into isolation, and it's driving me crazy.  I'm immensely grateful that I get to cower in a comfortable home and wait out the 'war'. But it's getting depressing and not doing anything to help the situation fills me up with guilt and I feel ashamed to even feel what I feel, let alone express it. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Some days I remember that life needs to go on and to focus on the things I can control and appreciate life, but some days I cannot find the will to get up from bed to face another day of bad news. It's a loop of dejected sighs seeing the rise in numbers and self pep talks to maintain the hope that things will get better. It's tiring to get up each day just to trip again and again, wondering when it will ever end. I cannot se...

I've wanted to learn many musical instruments in my life, but I'm not good at any of them. Music has never been my forte. I cannot even sing. I can never remember lyrics or the tune or pitch, anything that makes the song, a song. My sister always says that I ruin the song for her after listening to me singing it. Well at least she'll laugh when she listens to that song now.  I don't have the voice of an angel. That's fine, but I don't have the fingers for music either. Tragic. Or maybe I'm just lazy and impatient.  My parents have always wanted us to have the opportunities they didn't have when they were younger. Hence, the typical ballet, piano, swimming lessons etc; but I was inelegant for ballet; Piano never interested me; Swimming? Young me preferred to drown, thank you.  The first musical instrument I've ever touched was a green colour guitar at a club in Pulau Tioman when I was 6. (Amazing how I can remember what that guitar looked and felt lik...

I don't think I am an extrovert but I'm not entirely an introvert as well. Maybe I'm an ambivert or an introvert who tries to be more extroverted. Here's how my social life goes:  I like talking but I prefer listening. I love going out with people who have many things to say and I get to just sit and listen. I can be very talkative and I do have a lot of nonsense, fun facts, jokes and gossips packed inside me, but sometimes I wish people would tell me stories and make me laugh instead. I love collecting stories like the Grimm brothers. I call anything anyone says as stories. Questions like "How are you" makes me uncomfortable. I'd have the itch to talk about how I felt when I woke up that day or how bad my PMS was last month, but I'd suffer from inner panic because I don't know where to start and end up just awkwardly avoiding the question. Some days I can call my friends for no reasons at all, while some days even replying to a 'Hi' takes ...

I have not been writing much. I've been talking to myself more. Trying to understand what is this weight that makes my heart so heavy. I feel like an outsider, a third party watching life happen around me. It feels like I'm on a rickety bridge of uncertainty, afraid to risk that run to either side of the bridge. I just stare at the churning water below, wondering what I should do next, trying to convince myself if I can be brave enough to jump, I might find myself having wings.  I'm anchored, by what, I don't know. A mime trapped by her own box.  I think I need a push.

Among the sweet birthday wishes I've received, there is one particular word from an old friend, that seems to have followed me around the whole day, ringing behind the back of my mind. I'm sure it was just a simple choice of words, it was not intended for me to focus on or to be obssessed over, yet here I am, alone in my room, the voice in my mind chanting it like a psycho.  "Precious". The exact sentence was "U r precious". I roll the word in my tongue and whisper it out in a hiss. I don't think anyone has ever said that to me. I feel like a newborn baby, appreciated for simply being alive. A hand caressing a trail on my cheek tickling me like tears, tucking wispy strands of hair behind my ears, reminding me I should never be hurt, because 'I am Precious'. Maybe it's the person who said it, the way she said it, this specific word, or I've never considered myself precious. It makes me want to cry, the good kind. 

I found this random piece of writing in my laptop. I wrote it while trying to calm down 15 minutes before the exams. The self pep talk sounds silly now, but it helped. I mentioned only one friend of mine because she was still trying to distract me 30 minutes before the exam.  As I've always said, writing put things in perspective.  Here you go, I'm going to leave it unedited.  I am strong and powerful and I am not nervous at all. Exam is just a practice. It does not define who I am as a human being. I am smaart. I shall not let this break me. I can do this. I just need to pass. I don’t needto be spectacilar. Mundane is good. I love mysef. My family loves me. Shanhua loves me. I get to watch movies after this. It’s okay. I can get through this. Many people got through this. It is just part of life. There are more pressing things happening around the world. I am so lucky to be able to sit at home and have the luxury of stressing over things as insignificant as exams while p...

This movie is so underrated it's a crime!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH. SO FAR THE BEST ONE I'VE WATCHED THIS YEAR (which actually doesn't mean anything, because I've been on a 'movie slump'). I couldn't stop laughing at the dark humour. But let's be honest, the characters are... not very pretty.  At the start, I thought Hope and Phil were villains. When Hope gave Ugga the fruit basket despite knowing she wants to stay, I was ready to slap her silly. They look down on people and instead of lifting the Cavemen up, they want them outside the fence where it's more dangerous. It's a typical Us and Them situation. And they gaslighted Grugg and Ugga!! But afterwards, the movie show us how people can change to become better and relationships can bloom if given time. Dawn is so adorable! I would love to be her friend! I actually shipped Eep and Dawn together. I think if Dawn has to made a choice between Guy or Eep, she should choose Eep. When Eep crawled all the w...

(Tortoise) Have you ever felt angry or sad because of something someone did or said? Going through all the details again to find an answer for why things turned out the way it did, asking God for the thousandth time, what went wrong? Sometimes, there's clearly nothing you can do about it. As much as the truth hurts, you have to admit that deep down you know they couldn't care less what you think or feel. Neither confrontation nor heart-to-heart is an option. The only option is to let it go and move on and closure is one you need to give yourself. I've found a method that works for me: write. Write everything you want to say in a letter, full of anger and as raw as slicing your own skin and flesh. Pour everything, don't leave anything out, be as flowery or blunt as you want, swear till your heart's content. Then when you're done and ready, wipe your tears away like you're smearing war paint across your cheeks, and never send it out. Have a funeral for all tho...

I've finished 11 seasons of Modern Family. What am I supposed to do with my life now? *SOBS Modern Family tells the story of 3 extended family. Jay and his young wife, Gloria with her son, Manny. Claire and her husband, Phill with their three children, Hailey, Alex and Luke. Mitch and Cam with their adopted daughter, Lily. Mitch and Claire are Jay's children.  I don't get obssessed with TV series and I have the bad habit of skipping or increasing playback speed when I watch something, but this is the only one show that I savoured every single second and paused when I'm getting food. As per the title of the show, it shows an unconventional family set up. Gays, age-gap and young parents.  The best thing I love about this show is their relationship. They have a family bond that I'm very envious of and they are the depiction of the American Dream. Although they can be chaotic at times, arguing and trying to avoid family gatherings, they still love each other and at the ...

Before the pandemic, I used to wake up at 4am. I was very much deeply entangled in the 'Hustle Culture' (Which drove me crazy, but this is a story for another day). But because of the depressive state of being in a pandemic and a competition which required me to stay up late, my sleep schedule has gone into disarray and  I have turned into a perpetually yawning sloth. It made me feel horrible and great at the same time. Being sleepy must be one of the greatest pleasure in life. It's equivalent to being drunk to me. I'd confess to crimes I didn't do when I'm sleepy.  Anyways, I still like mornings better. Sleeping in makes me feel irresponsible and days seem ridiculously shorter. I don't want to waste my youth on sleeping, I get to do that when I die. And of course, sleeping and waking up earlier is essential to be in the pink of health. I'm happy to say that I'm back to a sleep pattern that I like. I've gotten this idea to write this because my f...