Scatteredfafa

Ending scene from the movie Background music:  Exile-Taylor Swift and Bon Iver I twist the ring on my finger nervously. A new ring,a sophisticated wedding ring. Not the ring she gave me when we were kids. I can feel its unfamiliar edges, encircling my finger a bit too tight, squeezing my heart. I continue ascending the rickety spiral stairs which I’ve bounded excitedly up so many times before. She, always in the front, me, right at her heels. “I would have followed you anywhere and everywhere”, a melancholy thought, weighing down every step and something inside me. I shrug it off, “This is right, this is what I want. I am happy now”, I said to myself absent-mindedly and put on a bright smile. When I reach the attic, it is more empty than usual. The trace of notes and scripts that used to be strewn everywhere on the floor has been covered up by a thin film of dust.   I can see a crumpled form covered under a blanket, sleeping on the worn-out couch by the attic window. I kno...

Everything is in pink. Love songs blare inside my brain as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. Sometimes I wonder whether my eyes turn into pulsating heart shaped balloons like in cartoons.  The cold and critical persona which I liked to wear is finally stripped and thrown away, revealing the true romantic and passionate person that I am. I am in love. And it's such a great feeling. I am in love with another human being. A human who glitches between being a boy and a man. When he is a boy,  I have the most adorable child with me and my heart would swell in promise to protect him from any evil and give him all the love I have. As a man, his eyes shine with kindness and his steps radiate courage, when our eyes lock, I swear my heart stops and whispers, 'He's superman'.  This is better than winning the lottery. Having met him and then being loved by him, it feels like I've won the whole world. 

It feels as though I've stumbled through the months and have bewilderingly arrived at the last journey of the year. I'm having mixed feelings of excitement tinged with the ever present melancholy when the year comes to a close. Will I ever escape this sadness when things end? I doubt it. 

I have arrived again at a crossroad. The arrow signs are crooked and unwieldy. My compass has gone haywire and I can feel the invisible tugs coming from every direction. A choice has to be made, but my heart is heavy and my legs refuse to take another step forward nor backward. It's a strange predicament to be in. Knowing the sky is the limit but yet struggling to fight off the feeling of being chained and restrained. I've been standing at the same intersection for some time, trying to calm the nerves that frizzled at every bird that flutters past and to hold on to hope that dwindles at every light that dims. Time flies, ignoring my silent hopeless pleas of stopping just for me, a wretchedly lost girl.  And so I come, to the comfort of words, to listen to my heart. I've come back to swim in the swirl of my thoughts. I shall now sit and listen at the crossroad. Soon, I'll see my path and walk it with faith. 

 "One who loves nothing and no one, would not be afraid of death."

"A lifetime ago, my heart tore and my blood dyed my soul black, but on one moon, the emptiness drained and colour seeped in again, and suddenly I saw you, standing there, bright yellow and blue, and I blushed red."

It came from the sea.  The man, but not exactly a man, one who's standing stiffly at the other end of the swimming pool. It shall be referred to as a "he" to avoid confusion, but readers beware, always keep in mind that he was not a human and it is dangerous to forget that he was not, because you'll have empathy, and empathy is a weakness, and such weakness kills. His hair was slick and slimy, tangled with kelps, crusted with barnacles. Lips tinted blue and fish scales at the elbows and neck glistened in the sunlight. Muttering under his breath, he lifted his head up and stared at me with his bloodshot eyes.  "We're...here...Frances. Now you... drown.", he gasped, like he's shocked that he had a voice. Just a slave, a sacrifice and I could see fear in his eyes, pleading for an escape from his fate. But we both know, only the sweet kiss of death could help us both. It would have been pitiful if it wasn't for the death threat and the fact that he w...

I've been incredibly busy and overwhelmed. With my sister's 21st birthday coming up, personal projects and school, I find myself locked and tied, yet again. Some heavy anchors and locks, some ribbons and heart strings. They said life would get easier, you'll have time to be who you are one day. I thought one day the sacrifices and regrets would make sense. But 5 years later, I only realised, life doesn't get easier, you only get stronger and most of the time, good things don't come twice. Sometimes the only thing you can do is move on from mistakes when you find yourself repeating them over and over again.  I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I'm just itching to write something, anything at all. It's no secret that I have a problem with commitment and hence all the short stories that I never finish because my mind is buzzing with too many ideas. I'd post the half-hearted writings, maybe finish them someday.  Dear readers, I need t...

As someone who gets taunted at night by the ghost of past mistakes, a lot, I'm writing this on a bright sunny afternoon with a clear conscience, to remind you and myself that we are not our past. We get to evolve, we get to be someone new and better.  We all have those moments when we turn around and briefly look again at the past. Sometimes it can start with something small like spilling coffee, and we start travelling to the bad parts of the past. If we don’t stop it, we will find ourselves stumbling through the rabbit hole, landing in the underground archive of our mistakes and regrets in life. Ornaments from an embarassing thing we said, souvenirs from broken friendships. We’re no Alice, there’s no ‘Eat me’ cake or ‘Drink me’ potion to save us into finding a way out. We will be left a crumpled mess, too absorbed in self-pity to realise we fit through the door to leave afterall. But we can leave, and we'll get better and faster at finding the way out.

In a blink of an eye, there are only 4 months left to another new year.  I would like to first congratulate all of us for surviving. Survival has been the ultimate goal these two years. Despite the many disappointments and regrets over what-could-haves, I am immensely grateful to be alive. I'll leave the more thoughtful and tear-jerking 'essay' reflecting the year in December, I just want to whip up something short about my thoughts and feelings on these past 8 months. The first 3 months was me being burned out and busy with moot competition. People say, "To do one thing that scares you every year", I've gotten that out of the way early on. They were dark days filled with anxiety and nervousness. Surprisingly in the midst of it all, I still had a lot of fun. It's the first time in many years that I finally allowed myself to relax over studying and not to punish myself too hard. I'm really glad I took that leapt to step out of my comfort zone, even thou...

My favourite movie is Little Women. I read the book before I watched the movie, and I love the storyline so much just as it is, but Little Women (2019) by Greta Gerwig catapulted the story to a whole new level, adding on modern twists of feminism and giving us a satisfying ending. It's my comfort movie. Sometimes I just watch my favourite scenes, just to remind myself I'm not alone in feeling the way I feel. I strongly urge everyone to watch it, starring Emma Watson, Timothee Chalamet and Saoirse Ronan and all the other actors are wonderful as well.  The storyline is simple, nothing exciting, but it's definitely not boring. Centering around the four March sisters and the boy next door, taking us through their childhood and stepping into adulthood. It's relatable, we all go through the same threshold, saying goodbye to childhood. But like Jo, it's more difficult for me to move on, and it's comforting to know Jo feels the same way. Although she's fictional, th...

I've been easing my way back to social media after going cold turkey two years ago. It has been surprisingly easy, emotionally.  I guess I can never go back to instagram unless they fix their shit. I think it has banned me from instagram after I've abandoned it for so long. I was only gone for two years, but I can feel instagram punishing me. I've tried for hours to get back in, I almost cried out of frustration, but then I reminded myself, maybe this is a sign, it's protecting me from something. I just got to believe it, cause there's no other choice. But of course I have another private account where I posted daily, and I could access that account without a hitch. After being on that account for a few days, my conclusion is that, I didn't miss out much and it's so boring. So, I've deleted instagram. I'm still frustrated and kinda sad about not being able to access my main account, I mean I probably will abandon it again, but not having the choice t...

Imagine this: You're in the library, expecting to get some work done in peace and quiet, undistracted. Then two girls sitting infront you start whispering. You tell yourself it's okay, everyone talks sometimes, maybe they're just discussing questions for awhile. You're an understandable person. But soon you realised they're not. Snorts of laughter ensues, and few other friends join in. The raucous doesn't seem to be stopping soon. It's you against them, what do you do?  It's morning. You had a rough night overthinking or doing work, but it's a new day and you woke up determined to make it a better day. You plan to have a good hearty breakfast but as soon as you appear in the kitchen, your parents start to complain about everything in this world or tell you about their friends. You're usually interested, but not today, not this early hour. You've tuned out, but the sound is still there, loud and banging. I have many other examples of situation...

Two best friends laid horizontally across the bed, with their legs up against the wall and their hair fanning around them. The occasional sound of lonely cars racing along the dark highway outside, reminding them time has not stopped during their pensiveness. The silence between them was understanding and comfortable, an invisible message hanging in the air: "I'm here for you".  Telulah turned her head to the left and looked at Fiona, who was so still as if she was holding her breath, afraid to disturb the peaceful night. She poked her friend's face, relieved that she was still alive.  "If I'm ever reborn, not that I would want to come to this goddamn world again, I want to be a dog", Telulah said with a deadpan expression, her voice croaking a little at the start. Her delicate eyelashes still wet and crumpled from the weight of her overflown tears. Fiona, continued staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars scattered on the ceiling, afraid to look at her fri...

22k cases. My mind can't wrap around the logic of how this is happening. I believe everyone is as fed up as I am. It's a frustration that's brimming and even the lid is flying off, the whole being about to explode. It's an invisible itch that appears to be crawling along every inch of the skin. The question that haunts me, driving me up the wall to yell at everyone: "how the fuck did we get to this point?"  I've been like a lunatic. Randomly saying how life is meaningless and making jokes about how stupid everyone is. Fake it till you make it they say. Waiting for someone to inject hope into the wound swollen with pus of despair. I have a great imagination, but it has failed me, because I cannot imagine what could make me happy today or even in the future.  I love being busy, I don't like my mind. Ever since the lockdown, it has just been a constant inner fight. I can never go to therapy because I'd feel bad for wasting the therapist's time and...

It was the peak of the Perseid meteor shower a few days ago. Growing up watching Disney, I've always wanted to see a shooting star. Even as a young adult, having spent my whole life learning about logic and reason, there's still this small light of hope inside that if I wish hard enough, a shooting star would hear me and make my wish come true. My wishes have grown bigger and bolder; from the desire of turning into a princess to being happy everyday. There's so much I want to wish for. I want to wish for everyone I love. I wish I could write them all down on a piece of paper and throw it up into the sky and a star would reach for it.  We all could use a wish, especially this year. And so on that day, I waited for the dark sky to rain stars. I waited since 8pm, craning my neck and straining my eyes, just staring at the black sky. But there wasn't even one star in sight, just the moon lonely hanging, surrounded by the polluted air. I wanted to be sad alone, to bathe in my...

I’ve watched a domestic abuse happened right infront of me before. I was just a visitor, I was just a child, I was just there at the wrong time. I remember it vividly how I could feel the fear before the strike happened. The tension in the air as the abuser paced back and forth, his voice raising as harsh words are spewed out and how in a rush he strode in and repeatedly slap her. How it ended was a blur, but I remember the look of the bruises.   The memory never goes away. And I wasn’t even part of it. It has been years and when that person is around, all I can think is that moment. I got a glimpse at the monster he is just for a few minutes, and that’s who he is to me for the rest of my life. I can never forgive him for what he did, and luckily I never need to. I’ve read many books on domestic abuse. Even if the victim tries to convince us readers to look at the good side of the abusers, nothing can soften the steel voice in my mind that they need to leave. But I’ve been re...

I find my mind drifting to the future recently. Imagining the days I would have, the life that I wish I would lead. It's so fun decorating the house I have in my mind. It's like playing sims social or cafe story (My knowledge of games is limited). I would probably still stay here in my little town. I love my little town. The other place I might consider moving to is Ipoh, no explainable reasons. Maybe it's the rumours of good food or the excellent people I know who come from Ipoh. I actually love the current house I'm staying. My room is the best place in the world. But if my parents want to sell it and move back to their hometown, and my sisters are married, I'd want a small little apartment. Like those in F.R.I.E.N.D.S but I think that would be difficult or impossible to find here. It's not going to be minimalistic. Decorations would be everywhere, souvenirs and gifts from loved ones or places I've travelled to, all displayed in the living room. There woul...

I stared at my bookshelves. A haphazard collection of books from different genres. My eyes skimmed through the titles and I caught myself regretting buying some of them even when I know I shouldn't be. I plucked out a book wedged so deeply among others, one that I read when I was in primary school. My fingers left their mark on the dusty cover, I have no recollection of what the book was about, and after reading the description, I cannot remember why I found that book interesting enough to buy it. I hate my younger self for buying such an expensive book which I don't even want to read. I don't remember whether I used to love it. It's one of the signs that I've grown up. Another proof that people change.  With a heavy heart, I wipe off the sheen of dust on the books, flipping through the weathered pages, trying to remember at what age did I meet and hold them for the first time. Books are just objects but to put them away, they mean more than that, it's a reminde...

Miley Cyrus, the one I loved. I loved both Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus. Hannah Montana The Movie was my comfort movie. I've watched it a thousand times. I have DVDs of her shows and her books. I have Hannah Montana stickers. I drew posters of her. My MP3 had only her songs. I knew all of her songs. I cried when we couldn't find a bag with her face on it. I used her photos as profile pictures and got angry when my other friend (who was also a fan) had better photos of her. My pencil case was her, my bag was her, my life evolved around her. She made me very happy.  Then she grew up and became very hot. She had very long mermaid hair. I cried when Hannah Montana show ended but I embraced the new her and her movies. I've watched LOL and The Last Song more times than raesonable. I liked those movies solely because she was in them. I loved her love story with Liam Hemsworth. I obssessed over her. I loved the way she looked and her style. She was so lowkey and her songs were am...

One of the sweetest scenes I've ever watched I watched this movie because it's suggested as a love story between an INFP and ENFJ. I love 90s movies. Notting Hill, My Girl, 10 things I hate about you, When Harry Met Sally, 13 going 30 etc. I've watched them all,I don't know why I've never heard of this movie, but I'm happy to have something new to watch. I don't know anyone else who I can have a 90s movie marathon with, it's really sad. I can't quite put my finger on the difference between old movies and now, there's just this classical element in old movies which just makes them valuable and meaningful. Maybe it's the dialogue or the originality of the plot. I love the 90s fashion! The movies now are just full of sex and weird. I digress.  What I love most about this movie is their conversation. Nothing exciting really happens in the movie. It's just them talking and walking around Venice. The chemistry is blinding. From the beginning to...

Olympic drama, politics, plague, people etc! So many things! So many problems! So many hate! So many evil! I'm moving to another planet, where love grows flowers and tears heal all wounds. I'm just tired, knowing very well that I have not done anything for the fight against evil and contributed nothing to the world but I still wish I can bring joy and hope amidst the chaos. I don't care about drama where it just involves pure hate, not scandals and conspiracy theories. Politics hurts my feelings, I can't believe how selfish politicians can sleep at night. If I think too much about the coronavirus, I don't think I can function. It seems like everyone is preoccupied with either one of those things right now, I wouldn't want to be a bother. And so I isolate myself and I write. I've been writing everyday, but I never finish any of them. Conversations with myself has increased tenfold and I have this nagging feeling to be a whole new person and start a new life. ...

Healing is a process. Self love, a relationship with yourself is like any other relationships, it's not perfect and sometimes a turbulence hits.  I've just realised that these few days, I have not been true to myself and it has caused me to relapse. I don't know where my mind went, I wasn't conscious. Doing things that I don't want to do and being a pathetic beta. Let's call her out shall we.  Few nights ago, a group of friends of mine wanted to have a call, I didn't really want to but I went anyways. I was quiet the whole time, I felt even lonelier than being alone. I've never known how to end or leave a call, and so I stayed on, and I hated myself for that so much. It's not their fault. I wanted to be part of their group. I messed up my own sleep schedule and neglected my own feelings, and ended up being really angry at myself. The old me wouldn't have done that, the old me cared about me. I need to believe that I'm good enough that people ...

Both my aunt and uncle were getting vaccinated yesterday and they asked me for a favour to babysit my cousins. I have to admit I was more thrilled than I allowed myself to show. I've always wanted the alone time to torture them. HAHAHA. I was there by 7.30am. My cousins were still sleeping and I had some quiet alone time to read. I was about to fall asleep again when I heard little twinkling sounds of my little cousin's ankle bracelet. Like a zombie, with her eyes half closed and hair tousled, she stumbled drunkenly to a corner and just squatted there. It was weird but she has always been weird and quiet, so I just went back reading and let her 'sober up'. But after a few minutes, I finally noticed something was wrong, she looked guilty and too silent. I walked towards her and asked her what was wrong (as if I expected an answer), that was when I saw the pool of water she was drenched in. In hindsight, I should have noticed something was wrong My reflex action was to ca...

I have always loved playing 'paradoxical games' where I create hypothetical and sometimes illogical scenarios and ask people what would they do. It's really interesting to hear their justifications and reasonings for their choices.  There's a book called "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas". It's a short story about a utopia called Omelas. People there live prosperously in an abundance of joy with days full of festivities. A fairytale land where people daydream to run away to. However, this gaiety of everyone comes with a price, they must make sure that one innocent child will always be kept away in despair; shrouded in perpetual darkness, crouched among his own filth and diseases, forbiddened to ever be cared for and never allowed to taste any tenderness of love. Anyone who break the rule would jeopardise not only themselves but put the land under a curse, turning into a dystopia. To succumb to the rules and turn an eye away from such evil, surpressing on...

'Begonia' is a type of flower symbolising caution, bringing with it ominous warnings of grave dangers and horrible consequences.  Dull colours and dire opening monologue, foretelling us this is for those who have been touched by sadness: everyone. It's the kind of movie that leaves you floating on the ocean, surrounded by your own feelings which threatens drown you when the closing song plays and you're still stuck in the movie long after it ends. There's a similarity with japanese anime especially Studio Ghibli's 'Spirited Away' but it's actually a Chinese animated fantasy movie. Before credits can be given to the movie itself, the story behind the birth of this presumed unlikely success, is enough to draw an oviation. It took more than a decade to produce this movie, with meager finance and powered by just a few people with nothing but talent and a dream. Perfection does not bloom overnight. The sky beneath the sea is gloomy and it domes over the ...

Just watched the news, it's heartbreaking to see the devastating condition we are in. We can cry and we can be angry, but we must never lose hope. We must do the best we can with the bitter lemons thrown at us. We have to focus on things that matter in life and appreciate every little thing that is good. Be kinder and more thoughtful of others. Care more, it doesn't hurt. Be there for someone who needs you. Make someone laugh, make sure they know you're there for them.  Because right now, everyone could use with a little love and laughter.

I miss life before this nightmare. I've compromised the 'new normal' which requires face masks in public and wired my brain into not standing too close to people, but now we are thrown back into isolation, and it's driving me crazy.  I'm immensely grateful that I get to cower in a comfortable home and wait out the 'war'. But it's getting depressing and not doing anything to help the situation fills me up with guilt and I feel ashamed to even feel what I feel, let alone express it. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Some days I remember that life needs to go on and to focus on the things I can control and appreciate life, but some days I cannot find the will to get up from bed to face another day of bad news. It's a loop of dejected sighs seeing the rise in numbers and self pep talks to maintain the hope that things will get better. It's tiring to get up each day just to trip again and again, wondering when it will ever end. I cannot se...

I've wanted to learn many musical instruments in my life, but I'm not good at any of them. Music has never been my forte. I cannot even sing. I can never remember lyrics or the tune or pitch, anything that makes the song, a song. My sister always says that I ruin the song for her after listening to me singing it. Well at least she'll laugh when she listens to that song now.  I don't have the voice of an angel. That's fine, but I don't have the fingers for music either. Tragic. Or maybe I'm just lazy and impatient.  My parents have always wanted us to have the opportunities they didn't have when they were younger. Hence, the typical ballet, piano, swimming lessons etc; but I was inelegant for ballet; Piano never interested me; Swimming? Young me preferred to drown, thank you.  The first musical instrument I've ever touched was a green colour guitar at a club in Pulau Tioman when I was 6. (Amazing how I can remember what that guitar looked and felt lik...

I don't think I am an extrovert but I'm not entirely an introvert as well. Maybe I'm an ambivert or an introvert who tries to be more extroverted. Here's how my social life goes:  I like talking but I prefer listening. I love going out with people who have many things to say and I get to just sit and listen. I can be very talkative and I do have a lot of nonsense, fun facts, jokes and gossips packed inside me, but sometimes I wish people would tell me stories and make me laugh instead. I love collecting stories like the Grimm brothers. I call anything anyone says as stories. Questions like "How are you" makes me uncomfortable. I'd have the itch to talk about how I felt when I woke up that day or how bad my PMS was last month, but I'd suffer from inner panic because I don't know where to start and end up just awkwardly avoiding the question. Some days I can call my friends for no reasons at all, while some days even replying to a 'Hi' takes ...

I have not been writing much. I've been talking to myself more. Trying to understand what is this weight that makes my heart so heavy. I feel like an outsider, a third party watching life happen around me. It feels like I'm on a rickety bridge of uncertainty, afraid to risk that run to either side of the bridge. I just stare at the churning water below, wondering what I should do next, trying to convince myself if I can be brave enough to jump, I might find myself having wings.  I'm anchored, by what, I don't know. A mime trapped by her own box.  I think I need a push.

Among the sweet birthday wishes I've received, there is one particular word from an old friend, that seems to have followed me around the whole day, ringing behind the back of my mind. I'm sure it was just a simple choice of words, it was not intended for me to focus on or to be obssessed over, yet here I am, alone in my room, the voice in my mind chanting it like a psycho.  "Precious". The exact sentence was "U r precious". I roll the word in my tongue and whisper it out in a hiss. I don't think anyone has ever said that to me. I feel like a newborn baby, appreciated for simply being alive. A hand caressing a trail on my cheek tickling me like tears, tucking wispy strands of hair behind my ears, reminding me I should never be hurt, because 'I am Precious'. Maybe it's the person who said it, the way she said it, this specific word, or I've never considered myself precious. It makes me want to cry, the good kind. 

I found this random piece of writing in my laptop. I wrote it while trying to calm down 15 minutes before the exams. The self pep talk sounds silly now, but it helped. I mentioned only one friend of mine because she was still trying to distract me 30 minutes before the exam.  As I've always said, writing put things in perspective.  Here you go, I'm going to leave it unedited.  I am strong and powerful and I am not nervous at all. Exam is just a practice. It does not define who I am as a human being. I am smaart. I shall not let this break me. I can do this. I just need to pass. I don’t needto be spectacilar. Mundane is good. I love mysef. My family loves me. Shanhua loves me. I get to watch movies after this. It’s okay. I can get through this. Many people got through this. It is just part of life. There are more pressing things happening around the world. I am so lucky to be able to sit at home and have the luxury of stressing over things as insignificant as exams while p...

This movie is so underrated it's a crime!! I LOVE IT SO MUCH. SO FAR THE BEST ONE I'VE WATCHED THIS YEAR (which actually doesn't mean anything, because I've been on a 'movie slump'). I couldn't stop laughing at the dark humour. But let's be honest, the characters are... not very pretty.  At the start, I thought Hope and Phil were villains. When Hope gave Ugga the fruit basket despite knowing she wants to stay, I was ready to slap her silly. They look down on people and instead of lifting the Cavemen up, they want them outside the fence where it's more dangerous. It's a typical Us and Them situation. And they gaslighted Grugg and Ugga!! But afterwards, the movie show us how people can change to become better and relationships can bloom if given time. Dawn is so adorable! I would love to be her friend! I actually shipped Eep and Dawn together. I think if Dawn has to made a choice between Guy or Eep, she should choose Eep. When Eep crawled all the w...