Scatteredfafa

I'm in a dilemma. Well, my own dilemma caused by personal overthinking. The story is as such. I have a friend who came to ask me how often do I talk to my sister (I call her Sissy). Surprisingly at that exact same time, I was just telling Sissy about the ugly hoodie my other sister (I call her Salini) has bought. The video call lasted for about 3 hours, and when I was done, I came back to my friend's 38 messages telling me about how upset she is about her sister. A summary of it is basically, she misses her sister but she thinks her sister doesn't love her as much as she does. I don't really know her sister and I don't think it's true, but I know the only person who can verify and make her feel better is her sister. 心病终须心药治 解铃还须系铃人.  Why do I find this very distressing? Because I'm very tempted to intervene. I'm just chaotic in the way that I don't want to just provide comfort to people, I want to go all the way brainstorming and solving the issues p...

No spoilers. It will take too long.  To be honest, I used to be a sceptic of anime, but I appreciate beautiful things, and even though I do agree anime can be aesthetically pleasing, their movies never appealed much to me. Firstly, because I don't like japanese language, I just don't like the sound of it. Secondly, I don't like the lack of diversity and the perfection that seem to be portrayed in anime. Understandibly, it's their uniqueness and very much culture related, but if it bothers me, I am allowed to not love it. Anyways, I am one who's willing to try out new things, and my friends have talked about it enough that I'm intrigued. Unexpectedly, about 15 minutes into the movie, regret has already caught up with me for not watching this sooner. What do I love most about the movie? The storyline and of course the artistic pleasure. I've watched the trailer and thought I had an inkling of what the movie was about but I was set for a surprise, and I enjoyed...

Too much to say, but everything can be summarised in one sentence: I love my squad so much and I'm just so damn lucky to have them. 2019 Christmas The last time the 6 of us were together The people standing, from the left: Joey, Joxin, and the Goddess. The aunties on their asses, from the left: Dajie, Bina, jxjx.  I've always liked to hang around behind, secretly taking photos of them.  They've always had my back even when I don't like myself.  Despite all the mistakes I've made, I must have done something right to have them in my life. P.S. Our group name is 大姐派对, literal translation is Big Sisters Party.

(AcousticTrench) My heart melts everytime I see her. Now when I watch the videos, I cry. Such an angel. There's a youtube channel called 'Acoustic Trench'  where a talented musician bless us with videos of him playing the guitar, sometimes the kalimba or the harp with his dog by his side. The first video I watched was him playing 'Can't help falling in love with you' on the kalimba and Maple was in the background enjoying the windy day, with maple leaves strewn all over the grass. It immediately gained me as a subscriber.  On a random day(yesterday), I randomly sent a video of them that I was watching to my friend, and she told me Maple has passed away last week, it was posted on their instagram. It's now the second day of knowing that and I still can't believe it. Mapel was such an angel. I wish the human all the best. I'm going to miss Maple. If you want to cry, here's the video of the human playing 'What a Wonderful World' saying goo...

(Tortoise) Bought it from a thrift shop in Penang In the Tales Of Beedle The Bard by J.K Rowling, there's a story called ' The Warlock's Hairy Heart ' which I think is the most gruesome yet the best fairytale I've ever read. You can click on the title to get the PDF version, or read the summary by yours truly here. To my friends and family, I'll be happy to lend you the book too. Here it goes: (Crude version) There was a warlock (Basically a very powerful wizard) who saw how his friends became stupid when they fell in love. He did not like being stupid, so he cut opened his heart and kept it under lock and key in the dungeon. He was very pleased and praised himself for not having any feelings. He pitied his friends who had children. When his parents died, he thought that was a blessing. But one day, he overheard his servants questioning how he was unable to attract anyone and the warlock took this very personally as an insult. Thus, he decided to find and marry ...

(Tortoise) Capturing the beauty I see through my eyes. Here is the link to the song - Late Night Melancholy . You should listen to it while you read this. I've never thought "hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmmmmm, hmm" would be my favourite song, but it is, and I'm writing to say how much I love it. I wish I could listen to this song on the train. Everytime I'm listening to the song (which is 24 hours since it's on loop non-stop in my mind), I imagine myself as a swaying tree with flowers snowing down or a drugged hippie in my own world. It fills me up with melancholy as its name promises. Sometimes the 'tearful and life is meaningless' kind of melancholy, and sometimes the 'everything happens for a reason and I'm where I'm meant to be' kind of melancholy. It makes me miss people, the ones I knew and strangers I don't even know. I hate it but love it at the same time. I guess I'm addicted to being sad for no obvious reasons, crying is catha...

I had a video call with a close friend for more than 2 hours and then jumped from one chat box to the other. I was only talking to a few people on the same day, and now I'm ready to slam every door I can find and ask the whole world to shut up. Really dramatic. I don't know how people do this. I've seen my sisters' chat boxes and how she's always on the phone, the amount of notifications alone is enough to give me anxiety.  I love my family and friends, I really do, but catching up can be so tiring! Socialising for too long switches on my bitch mode (Okay, bitchier mode). In real life, I would just stare at everyone without saying anything, being passive aggresive, now I just ignore people. Do I feel bad for being like that? I do. But I can't help it. I get so angry I don't even want to look at the people I'm with. Sometimes I think I only enjoy reading text messages from people, anecdotes of what they've been up to, but I don't like replying. I...

Woke up at 6.30 am. Continued the overthinking for a bit more till I fell asleep again. Woke up again feeling much better. I imagine myself as a Phoenix being reborn, easily brushing off my own weightless ashes of dead skin and charred bones. I've overused my emotional thinking and now it has gone into hibernation for a much needed rest. I like the rational Tortoise in control, the Tortoise that get things done and bulldoze through every boulder that gets thrown in the way. Sometimes I think the Tortoise that uses more of the head than the heart is actually crazier.  I don't know what I'm turning this blog into, looks like a personal diary now. 

It's 2 am. I'm typing this after staring blankly into space for a long time. I'm really tired, I can barely type this but I'm so sad and I don't know why. Sometimes I really hate being me. I overthink and it makes me feel extremely alone when I overthink. I don't even know what I'm overthinking about. It's really nothing but everything at the same time. Mostly I think about how stupid I am. I think I'm doing things wrongly. I need to be a mean cold bitch who doesn't get emotional at all. Everything I care about is stupid.  I might regret this tomorrow, but sod it.

(Tortoise) Sometimes you think it fits, and it takes some time before you notice that it doesn't. Sometimes you hope it fits so badly because it makes so much sense, but you know deep down it's the wrong piece.  Sometimes you overlook a piece but turns out it's the one you've been looking for all along.  Sometimes you don't understand where it belongs and you wonder whether it is a manufacturing mistake, but then you realise you've been looking at it the wrong way, upside down, too close or too far.  Sometimes you think you lost a piece but find it still in the box days later.  I get lost in puzzles and I love that feeling of being in the zone where nothing else matters (except if there's an earthquake, it would mess up my puzzle). I don't notice my phone ringing or care about being hungry. Working on a puzzle reminds me of the scenes in Criminal Minds where all the agents huddle in the office, trying to solve a case, but here it's just me and I don...

As per the title, yes, in a span of one week, I've managed to sprain my wrist and my ankle. I wish I am joking.  It happened like every other unfortunate tragedies, sudden and unexpected, with a surpressed 'WHAT THE FUCK'. I was jogging since it's the only workout I can do while my wrist is healing, and my ankle decided to fall on a different angle. Luckily, I wasn't running too fast or daydreaming too far away, my intuition kicked in quickly to right the angle. After few moments of shocked disbelief, I stood by the roadside, tentatively testing my ankle and having ensured myself it wasn't too bad, I walked home. My mum was hysterical.  But still, despite the uncomfortable mild pain and the need to cancel many of my plans, I'm so grateful that I can still limp around and use my hands. Things could have been so much worse. Really grateful. Appreciate all the time you're not in pain. Go workout, jump around, don't just sit the whole day, use your limbs...

"When I write my will, I'm going to leave all my stickers to you." Such are the words uttered by my dear sister as she stood at my door, after I explained that I was studying for exams on the area that regulates formalities of will making.  Truth is, I still love stickers, like many other eccentricities from childhood. I'm not one to forget who I was, but my tastes have changed over the years. I used to like bulky and squishy stickers, but now I prefer the ordinary and flat ones, such as flowers, with mellow autumn colours, attaching rustic and antique vibes wherever found pasted strategically. I have this container which normally people use to put their cotton buds. I've sneaked it from the pantry and now it sits daintily on my table like the treasure chest it is to me. Sometimes I take them all out to admire and shuffle them like cards, swapping the most precious one towards the bottom so that I never accidentally use it.  When we were younger, I used to spend F...

I sprained my right wrist.  I'm right-handed. Stupid.  It has been a few days since I woken up and found my right wrist too tender to be normal. It was similar to a baby's neck, needing support to prevent it from hanging backwards, snapping right off. Slight movement came with a pain I've gotten familiar with from multiple past injuries. I knew I was screwed.  Problem is, I don't remember what I have done to cause such an injury. Surely I would have noticed if my muscles and tendons, or whatever you call it, were strained beyond their capabilities; but no, the mystery of my injury is still unsolved, and my mum blames it on everything especially my laptop cause I've been typing so much.  I would not have told my family, but not being able to wash my plates or tie my hair sort of gave me away. I still can type with my wrist resting on the laptop through sheer stubborness, chat with friends, watch movies and read books, but I still couldn't do many things and it wa...

(Pixar) Pixar has done it again. Sending me into a sleepless night of pensiveness after a good cry. Surprisingly, this movie did not trigger sadness which would trip myself into a depressive state like I expected, instead at some point through the movie, it's like light was switched on, illuminating the dark storage in my mind of what I actually understand. The movie did not teach me anything new about life, it reminded me of what life is. (Pinterest) There's a genre called 'New Adult' as the world starts to recognise the existential crisis people in their early twenties to thirties are experiencing. I'm in that phase and I'm constantly anxious about finding my 'purpose' in life. Sometimes I cannot shrug off the feeling that I fall short to live this life. Although this movie does not enlighten or inspire me as to what my purpose could be, it tells me it's okay and  reminds me I can be happy even without one. The movie starts with Joe who is so in lo...

(weheartit.com) (The Hobbit) I like quiet solitude. The nights I'm alone, locked in my room, reading or solving puzzles. I have more hobbies than reasonable to have and a ferocious appetite to find more games or interesting skills to learn. It is an innate sense of mine to be Jack of all lanterns but master of none.  I desire to be a polymath, everything intrigues me, but I'm perfectly aware that I do not have the patience nor the talent to be highly skilled or excel in anything which distinguishes myself from the mundane. I imagine myself a butterfly, fluttering around every vibrant flowers, yet never stay too long or too short on any. I understand that despite the sky being the limit to available options, I am bound by my own wings and mortality. There is no use being unrealistic but revert to stoic acceptance that I can salvage what I can, and ignore what I can't. Having spent ample amount of time on self-reflection, I have come to the realisation that I'm like a Hob...

Let's discuss about The Little Mermaid (Disney's version). (Walt Disney Pictures) Looks so comfy. I love her nightgown. Deep down, the fair and empathatic me understand that Ariel is the way she is mainly due to her circumstances and upbringing. Moreover, she's only 16, so I'm going to cut her some slack due to her age. I was an idiot at 16 too and still am. Her father is a narcissist and forces her daughters to worship him. Ariel is stuck in the sea, in persistent darkness and always damp (Getting out of bath and having wet sticky hair is so uncomfortable, can you imagine being that way your whole life?  (Walt Disney Pictures) From the start, we know Ariel has a fascination with the world above the water. She has a secret grotto full of objects she found, things such as screwdrivers and forks (I actually would love to get a tour ) and she always swims to the surface of the water to check humans out despite being prohibited by the King himself. But what made her finally...

(Pinterest) A love story about divorce. Some scenes were very hard for me to watch or understand. I wanted to yell and judge both of them but the single and self-consciously naive me would shush me. The divorce in this movie is certainly complex, or are all divorces this way? I thought it was just a final showdown for two people who hate each other leaving a mess for the children. I did not expect divorce could be a narrative of romance. Charlie and Nicole clearly love each other very much. I really do blame the lawyers. I really hated the lawyers. They keep pushing them to hate each other and assume the worst of the other. They 'advise' them to make deadly strikes when they say they don't want to. I hated Nicole at some point. Why does she have to get a lawyer? They decided to end their marriage without one and nothing changed that such a need arose. The court room scene was the hardest thing for me to watch. They clearly feel embarassed and guilty to put each other throug...

Enjoy. (Pinterest) I Don't Love You- My Chemical Romance Welcome To The Black Parade- My Chemical Romance It Ends Tonight- The All-American Rejects Secrets- OneRepublic It's My Life- Bon Jovi Fix You- Coldplay Demons- Imagine Dragons Numb- Linkin Park Bohemian Rhapsody- Queen

(Pinterest) I'm always afraid I have met all the best people I was destined to meet, even though I know I have not met all the people I don't know I will love yet.  I think the fact that I feel so free to be a loner is because I know that I am actually not alone. I know there's no risk. I believe if I disappear for years, I'd still have a spot back home, a spot in someone's heart. I had a best friend who told me about how life is like a train. People get on and get off the train when they've reached their station and it's okay. The irony was, we were talking about other people and I never thought we even had a stop station in the other's life, but then we had. I'm excited to meet new people in my life but something doesn't feel right inside, I feel inhibited, closed off, and ingenuine. With so much time alone for self-reflection, I've found my problem. I compare every new people with the people I've crossed path with in my life. I'm s...

(Pinterest) Titanic was not a love story, it was a tragedy.  It happened in 1912, even older than World War 2. So many tragedies happened since time immemorial. So why do I find this history... fascinating? Like everyone else, I came to know about Titanic through the movie and when Mr Bean played with his toy boat in the bath. The story of Jack and Rose romanticised the tragedy but I think it's a good way to bring awareness to the history. Although it's one of my favourite movies, the real story behind the ship that sank on its maiden voyage, is the one which held me captive.  There's probably nothing mysterious, what happened has been explained. The Titanic hit an iceberg where the impact caused a gash in the hull and the compartments flooded. There was insufficient lifeboats and many were not loaded to full capacity due to panic and disorder, but even if there was efficient evacuation conducted, the lifeboats were still not enough to save all the passengers. Although this...