Scatteredfafa

My mind has been swarming with negative thoughts, and the familiar feeling of doom is back. My pores are clogged up with toxicity oozing out from inside me, and the air around me feels heavy, clinging on to my skin, anchoring me to the dark clouds that surround me, drowning myself in a torpedo that no one else can see. I feel very bad about myself. There's so much limiting beliefs that I cannot shake off. People say self-awareness is the first step towards healing, but I feel like I'm still stuck in square one. I'm confused and lost but most of all, I'm scared. I'm afraid of the future.  I'm stuck inside too long. I wonder whether the sun misses me, but then I doubt that, who am I anyways. There goes the problematic self-deprecating way of how I talk to myself these days. There's no need to contemplate on whether or not I think too much, I'm a known overthinker.  Delving in deeper, all I see are my flaws, and I don't know how to look somewhere else. ...

I'm in a dilemma. Well, my own dilemma caused by personal overthinking. The story is as such. I have a friend who came to ask me how often do I talk to my sister (I call her Sissy). Surprisingly at that exact same time, I was just telling Sissy about the ugly hoodie my other sister (I call her Salini) has bought. The video call lasted for about 3 hours, and when I was done, I came back to my friend's 38 messages telling me about how upset she is about her sister. A summary of it is basically, she misses her sister but she thinks her sister doesn't love her as much as she does. I don't really know her sister and I don't think it's true, but I know the only person who can verify and make her feel better is her sister. 心病终须心药治 解铃还须系铃人.  Why do I find this very distressing? Because I'm very tempted to intervene. I'm just chaotic in the way that I don't want to just provide comfort to people, I want to go all the way brainstorming and solving the issues p...

(Tortoise) Bought it from a thrift shop in Penang In the Tales Of Beedle The Bard by J.K Rowling, there's a story called ' The Warlock's Hairy Heart ' which I think is the most gruesome yet the best fairytale I've ever read. You can click on the title to get the PDF version, or read the summary by yours truly here. To my friends and family, I'll be happy to lend you the book too. Here it goes: (Crude version) There was a warlock (Basically a very powerful wizard) who saw how his friends became stupid when they fell in love. He did not like being stupid, so he cut opened his heart and kept it under lock and key in the dungeon. He was very pleased and praised himself for not having any feelings. He pitied his friends who had children. When his parents died, he thought that was a blessing. But one day, he overheard his servants questioning how he was unable to attract anyone and the warlock took this very personally as an insult. Thus, he decided to find and marry ...

"If you  don't  heal  from what  hurt you ,  you ' ll bleed  on people who didn't cut  you ." – Tamara Kulish. Have you ever felt like a lumpy piece of rag doll? Angry and depressed at the same time? So hurt that all you want to do is hurt other people. You don't actually want to hurt them, you just want them to understand how you feel  or simply to have someone punished in the hope to ease the pain. A used, filty, torn rag doll. Have you ever lashed out or did something horribly wrong to someone out of anger at yourself or someone else? The guilt afterwards which you try to suppress by convincing yourself that you were not wrong, they crossed the line by not understanding but you knew you were just punishing them for something entirely not their fault. It's embarassing and hard to admit, but I've been there. Just like the lion from the story 'Androcles and The Lion'. A lion who roared at everyone because it was in agony from a thorn embedded i...