Scatteredfafa

 Dear readers, They used to say "time flies" and I thought I understood what they meant, but really I didn't. And now I'm here, just realizing it has been 3 years since I've last written here, and I'm wondering how did that happen. How did I not write for 3 years but it felt like I just posted my first blog last week. It's the first day of 2026 and I'm in my late twenties now. I was tidying up my google drives and basically just getting ready for the year ahead when I suddenly remembered about this long forgotten blog. I'd like to tell myself that this year I would set a goal to write again, but years of breaking that promise to myself has taught me to distrust my own words.  But would it hurt to try again? To place my faith in myself. Perhaps one year I might actually honor the promise and came through.  I shall try. As usual, I have a few goals and plans for the new year. It might seem silly to try and "rebrand" myself every time the ne...

My mind has been swarming with negative thoughts, and the familiar feeling of doom is back. My pores are clogged up with toxicity oozing out from inside me, and the air around me feels heavy, clinging on to my skin, anchoring me to the dark clouds that surround me, drowning myself in a torpedo that no one else can see. I feel very bad about myself. There's so much limiting beliefs that I cannot shake off. People say self-awareness is the first step towards healing, but I feel like I'm still stuck in square one. I'm confused and lost but most of all, I'm scared. I'm afraid of the future.  I'm stuck inside too long. I wonder whether the sun misses me, but then I doubt that, who am I anyways. There goes the problematic self-deprecating way of how I talk to myself these days. There's no need to contemplate on whether or not I think too much, I'm a known overthinker.  Delving in deeper, all I see are my flaws, and I don't know how to look somewhere else. ...

Two best friends laid horizontally across the bed, with their legs up against the wall and their hair fanning around them. The occasional sound of lonely cars racing along the dark highway outside, reminding them time has not stopped during their pensiveness. The silence between them was understanding and comfortable, an invisible message hanging in the air: "I'm here for you".  Telulah turned her head to the left and looked at Fiona, who was so still as if she was holding her breath, afraid to disturb the peaceful night. She poked her friend's face, relieved that she was still alive.  "If I'm ever reborn, not that I would want to come to this goddamn world again, I want to be a dog", Telulah said with a deadpan expression, her voice croaking a little at the start. Her delicate eyelashes still wet and crumpled from the weight of her overflown tears. Fiona, continued staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars scattered on the ceiling, afraid to look at her fri...

"If you  don't  heal  from what  hurt you ,  you ' ll bleed  on people who didn't cut  you ." – Tamara Kulish. Have you ever felt like a lumpy piece of rag doll? Angry and depressed at the same time? So hurt that all you want to do is hurt other people. You don't actually want to hurt them, you just want them to understand how you feel  or simply to have someone punished in the hope to ease the pain. A used, filty, torn rag doll. Have you ever lashed out or did something horribly wrong to someone out of anger at yourself or someone else? The guilt afterwards which you try to suppress by convincing yourself that you were not wrong, they crossed the line by not understanding but you knew you were just punishing them for something entirely not their fault. It's embarassing and hard to admit, but I've been there. Just like the lion from the story 'Androcles and The Lion'. A lion who roared at everyone because it was in agony from a thorn embedded i...