Scatteredfafa

My mind has been swarming with negative thoughts, and the familiar feeling of doom is back. My pores are clogged up with toxicity oozing out from inside me, and the air around me feels heavy, clinging on to my skin, anchoring me to the dark clouds that surround me, drowning myself in a torpedo that no one else can see. I feel very bad about myself. There's so much limiting beliefs that I cannot shake off. People say self-awareness is the first step towards healing, but I feel like I'm still stuck in square one. I'm confused and lost but most of all, I'm scared. I'm afraid of the future.  I'm stuck inside too long. I wonder whether the sun misses me, but then I doubt that, who am I anyways. There goes the problematic self-deprecating way of how I talk to myself these days. There's no need to contemplate on whether or not I think too much, I'm a known overthinker.  Delving in deeper, all I see are my flaws, and I don't know how to look somewhere else. ...

Two best friends laid horizontally across the bed, with their legs up against the wall and their hair fanning around them. The occasional sound of lonely cars racing along the dark highway outside, reminding them time has not stopped during their pensiveness. The silence between them was understanding and comfortable, an invisible message hanging in the air: "I'm here for you".  Telulah turned her head to the left and looked at Fiona, who was so still as if she was holding her breath, afraid to disturb the peaceful night. She poked her friend's face, relieved that she was still alive.  "If I'm ever reborn, not that I would want to come to this goddamn world again, I want to be a dog", Telulah said with a deadpan expression, her voice croaking a little at the start. Her delicate eyelashes still wet and crumpled from the weight of her overflown tears. Fiona, continued staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars scattered on the ceiling, afraid to look at her fri...

One of the sweetest scenes I've ever watched I watched this movie because it's suggested as a love story between an INFP and ENFJ. I love 90s movies. Notting Hill, My Girl, 10 things I hate about you, When Harry Met Sally, 13 going 30 etc. I've watched them all,I don't know why I've never heard of this movie, but I'm happy to have something new to watch. I don't know anyone else who I can have a 90s movie marathon with, it's really sad. I can't quite put my finger on the difference between old movies and now, there's just this classical element in old movies which just makes them valuable and meaningful. Maybe it's the dialogue or the originality of the plot. I love the 90s fashion! The movies now are just full of sex and weird. I digress.  What I love most about this movie is their conversation. Nothing exciting really happens in the movie. It's just them talking and walking around Venice. The chemistry is blinding. From the beginning to...

Healing is a process. Self love, a relationship with yourself is like any other relationships, it's not perfect and sometimes a turbulence hits.  I've just realised that these few days, I have not been true to myself and it has caused me to relapse. I don't know where my mind went, I wasn't conscious. Doing things that I don't want to do and being a pathetic beta. Let's call her out shall we.  Few nights ago, a group of friends of mine wanted to have a call, I didn't really want to but I went anyways. I was quiet the whole time, I felt even lonelier than being alone. I've never known how to end or leave a call, and so I stayed on, and I hated myself for that so much. It's not their fault. I wanted to be part of their group. I messed up my own sleep schedule and neglected my own feelings, and ended up being really angry at myself. The old me wouldn't have done that, the old me cared about me. I need to believe that I'm good enough that people ...

'Begonia' is a type of flower symbolising caution, bringing with it ominous warnings of grave dangers and horrible consequences.  Dull colours and dire opening monologue, foretelling us this is for those who have been touched by sadness: everyone. It's the kind of movie that leaves you floating on the ocean, surrounded by your own feelings which threatens drown you when the closing song plays and you're still stuck in the movie long after it ends. There's a similarity with japanese anime especially Studio Ghibli's 'Spirited Away' but it's actually a Chinese animated fantasy movie. Before credits can be given to the movie itself, the story behind the birth of this presumed unlikely success, is enough to draw an oviation. It took more than a decade to produce this movie, with meager finance and powered by just a few people with nothing but talent and a dream. Perfection does not bloom overnight. The sky beneath the sea is gloomy and it domes over the ...

Just watched the news, it's heartbreaking to see the devastating condition we are in. We can cry and we can be angry, but we must never lose hope. We must do the best we can with the bitter lemons thrown at us. We have to focus on things that matter in life and appreciate every little thing that is good. Be kinder and more thoughtful of others. Care more, it doesn't hurt. Be there for someone who needs you. Make someone laugh, make sure they know you're there for them.  Because right now, everyone could use with a little love and laughter.

I miss life before this nightmare. I've compromised the 'new normal' which requires face masks in public and wired my brain into not standing too close to people, but now we are thrown back into isolation, and it's driving me crazy.  I'm immensely grateful that I get to cower in a comfortable home and wait out the 'war'. But it's getting depressing and not doing anything to help the situation fills me up with guilt and I feel ashamed to even feel what I feel, let alone express it. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Some days I remember that life needs to go on and to focus on the things I can control and appreciate life, but some days I cannot find the will to get up from bed to face another day of bad news. It's a loop of dejected sighs seeing the rise in numbers and self pep talks to maintain the hope that things will get better. It's tiring to get up each day just to trip again and again, wondering when it will ever end. I cannot se...

I found this random piece of writing in my laptop. I wrote it while trying to calm down 15 minutes before the exams. The self pep talk sounds silly now, but it helped. I mentioned only one friend of mine because she was still trying to distract me 30 minutes before the exam.  As I've always said, writing put things in perspective.  Here you go, I'm going to leave it unedited.  I am strong and powerful and I am not nervous at all. Exam is just a practice. It does not define who I am as a human being. I am smaart. I shall not let this break me. I can do this. I just need to pass. I don’t needto be spectacilar. Mundane is good. I love mysef. My family loves me. Shanhua loves me. I get to watch movies after this. It’s okay. I can get through this. Many people got through this. It is just part of life. There are more pressing things happening around the world. I am so lucky to be able to sit at home and have the luxury of stressing over things as insignificant as exams while p...

(Tortoise) Have you ever felt angry or sad because of something someone did or said? Going through all the details again to find an answer for why things turned out the way it did, asking God for the thousandth time, what went wrong? Sometimes, there's clearly nothing you can do about it. As much as the truth hurts, you have to admit that deep down you know they couldn't care less what you think or feel. Neither confrontation nor heart-to-heart is an option. The only option is to let it go and move on and closure is one you need to give yourself. I've found a method that works for me: write. Write everything you want to say in a letter, full of anger and as raw as slicing your own skin and flesh. Pour everything, don't leave anything out, be as flowery or blunt as you want, swear till your heart's content. Then when you're done and ready, wipe your tears away like you're smearing war paint across your cheeks, and never send it out. Have a funeral for all tho...

(AcousticTrench) My heart melts everytime I see her. Now when I watch the videos, I cry. Such an angel. There's a youtube channel called 'Acoustic Trench'  where a talented musician bless us with videos of him playing the guitar, sometimes the kalimba or the harp with his dog by his side. The first video I watched was him playing 'Can't help falling in love with you' on the kalimba and Maple was in the background enjoying the windy day, with maple leaves strewn all over the grass. It immediately gained me as a subscriber.  On a random day(yesterday), I randomly sent a video of them that I was watching to my friend, and she told me Maple has passed away last week, it was posted on their instagram. It's now the second day of knowing that and I still can't believe it. Mapel was such an angel. I wish the human all the best. I'm going to miss Maple. If you want to cry, here's the video of the human playing 'What a Wonderful World' saying goo...

(Pixar) Pixar has done it again. Sending me into a sleepless night of pensiveness after a good cry. Surprisingly, this movie did not trigger sadness which would trip myself into a depressive state like I expected, instead at some point through the movie, it's like light was switched on, illuminating the dark storage in my mind of what I actually understand. The movie did not teach me anything new about life, it reminded me of what life is. (Pinterest) There's a genre called 'New Adult' as the world starts to recognise the existential crisis people in their early twenties to thirties are experiencing. I'm in that phase and I'm constantly anxious about finding my 'purpose' in life. Sometimes I cannot shrug off the feeling that I fall short to live this life. Although this movie does not enlighten or inspire me as to what my purpose could be, it tells me it's okay and  reminds me I can be happy even without one. The movie starts with Joe who is so in lo...