Scatteredfafa

My mind has been swarming with negative thoughts, and the familiar feeling of doom is back. My pores are clogged up with toxicity oozing out from inside me, and the air around me feels heavy, clinging on to my skin, anchoring me to the dark clouds that surround me, drowning myself in a torpedo that no one else can see. I feel very bad about myself. There's so much limiting beliefs that I cannot shake off. People say self-awareness is the first step towards healing, but I feel like I'm still stuck in square one. I'm confused and lost but most of all, I'm scared. I'm afraid of the future.  I'm stuck inside too long. I wonder whether the sun misses me, but then I doubt that, who am I anyways. There goes the problematic self-deprecating way of how I talk to myself these days. There's no need to contemplate on whether or not I think too much, I'm a known overthinker.  Delving in deeper, all I see are my flaws, and I don't know how to look somewhere else. ...

I’ve watched a domestic abuse happened right infront of me before. I was just a visitor, I was just a child, I was just there at the wrong time. I remember it vividly how I could feel the fear before the strike happened. The tension in the air as the abuser paced back and forth, his voice raising as harsh words are spewed out and how in a rush he strode in and repeatedly slap her. How it ended was a blur, but I remember the look of the bruises.   The memory never goes away. And I wasn’t even part of it. It has been years and when that person is around, all I can think is that moment. I got a glimpse at the monster he is just for a few minutes, and that’s who he is to me for the rest of my life. I can never forgive him for what he did, and luckily I never need to. I’ve read many books on domestic abuse. Even if the victim tries to convince us readers to look at the good side of the abusers, nothing can soften the steel voice in my mind that they need to leave. But I’ve been re...

"If you  don't  heal  from what  hurt you ,  you ' ll bleed  on people who didn't cut  you ." – Tamara Kulish. Have you ever felt like a lumpy piece of rag doll? Angry and depressed at the same time? So hurt that all you want to do is hurt other people. You don't actually want to hurt them, you just want them to understand how you feel  or simply to have someone punished in the hope to ease the pain. A used, filty, torn rag doll. Have you ever lashed out or did something horribly wrong to someone out of anger at yourself or someone else? The guilt afterwards which you try to suppress by convincing yourself that you were not wrong, they crossed the line by not understanding but you knew you were just punishing them for something entirely not their fault. It's embarassing and hard to admit, but I've been there. Just like the lion from the story 'Androcles and The Lion'. A lion who roared at everyone because it was in agony from a thorn embedded i...