Scatteredfafa

"A lifetime ago, my heart tore and my blood dyed my soul black, but on one moon, the emptiness drained and colour seeped in again, and suddenly I saw you, standing there, bright yellow and blue, and I blushed red."

It came from the sea.  The man, but not exactly a man, one who's standing stiffly at the other end of the swimming pool. It shall be referred to as a "he" to avoid confusion, but readers beware, always keep in mind that he was not a human and it is dangerous to forget that he was not, because you'll have empathy, and empathy is a weakness, and such weakness kills. His hair was slick and slimy, tangled with kelps, crusted with barnacles. Lips tinted blue and fish scales at the elbows and neck glistened in the sunlight. Muttering under his breath, he lifted his head up and stared at me with his bloodshot eyes.  "We're...here...Frances. Now you... drown.", he gasped, like he's shocked that he had a voice. Just a slave, a sacrifice and I could see fear in his eyes, pleading for an escape from his fate. But we both know, only the sweet kiss of death could help us both. It would have been pitiful if it wasn't for the death threat and the fact that he w...

I've been incredibly busy and overwhelmed. With my sister's 21st birthday coming up, personal projects and school, I find myself locked and tied, yet again. Some heavy anchors and locks, some ribbons and heart strings. They said life would get easier, you'll have time to be who you are one day. I thought one day the sacrifices and regrets would make sense. But 5 years later, I only realised, life doesn't get easier, you only get stronger and most of the time, good things don't come twice. Sometimes the only thing you can do is move on from mistakes when you find yourself repeating them over and over again.  I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I'm just itching to write something, anything at all. It's no secret that I have a problem with commitment and hence all the short stories that I never finish because my mind is buzzing with too many ideas. I'd post the half-hearted writings, maybe finish them someday.  Dear readers, I need t...

As someone who gets taunted at night by the ghost of past mistakes, a lot, I'm writing this on a bright sunny afternoon with a clear conscience, to remind you and myself that we are not our past. We get to evolve, we get to be someone new and better.  We all have those moments when we turn around and briefly look again at the past. Sometimes it can start with something small like spilling coffee, and we start travelling to the bad parts of the past. If we don’t stop it, we will find ourselves stumbling through the rabbit hole, landing in the underground archive of our mistakes and regrets in life. Ornaments from an embarassing thing we said, souvenirs from broken friendships. We’re no Alice, there’s no ‘Eat me’ cake or ‘Drink me’ potion to save us into finding a way out. We will be left a crumpled mess, too absorbed in self-pity to realise we fit through the door to leave afterall. But we can leave, and we'll get better and faster at finding the way out.

In a blink of an eye, there are only 4 months left to another new year.  I would like to first congratulate all of us for surviving. Survival has been the ultimate goal these two years. Despite the many disappointments and regrets over what-could-haves, I am immensely grateful to be alive. I'll leave the more thoughtful and tear-jerking 'essay' reflecting the year in December, I just want to whip up something short about my thoughts and feelings on these past 8 months. The first 3 months was me being burned out and busy with moot competition. People say, "To do one thing that scares you every year", I've gotten that out of the way early on. They were dark days filled with anxiety and nervousness. Surprisingly in the midst of it all, I still had a lot of fun. It's the first time in many years that I finally allowed myself to relax over studying and not to punish myself too hard. I'm really glad I took that leapt to step out of my comfort zone, even thou...

My favourite movie is Little Women. I read the book before I watched the movie, and I love the storyline so much just as it is, but Little Women (2019) by Greta Gerwig catapulted the story to a whole new level, adding on modern twists of feminism and giving us a satisfying ending. It's my comfort movie. Sometimes I just watch my favourite scenes, just to remind myself I'm not alone in feeling the way I feel. I strongly urge everyone to watch it, starring Emma Watson, Timothee Chalamet and Saoirse Ronan and all the other actors are wonderful as well.  The storyline is simple, nothing exciting, but it's definitely not boring. Centering around the four March sisters and the boy next door, taking us through their childhood and stepping into adulthood. It's relatable, we all go through the same threshold, saying goodbye to childhood. But like Jo, it's more difficult for me to move on, and it's comforting to know Jo feels the same way. Although she's fictional, th...

I've been easing my way back to social media after going cold turkey two years ago. It has been surprisingly easy, emotionally.  I guess I can never go back to instagram unless they fix their shit. I think it has banned me from instagram after I've abandoned it for so long. I was only gone for two years, but I can feel instagram punishing me. I've tried for hours to get back in, I almost cried out of frustration, but then I reminded myself, maybe this is a sign, it's protecting me from something. I just got to believe it, cause there's no other choice. But of course I have another private account where I posted daily, and I could access that account without a hitch. After being on that account for a few days, my conclusion is that, I didn't miss out much and it's so boring. So, I've deleted instagram. I'm still frustrated and kinda sad about not being able to access my main account, I mean I probably will abandon it again, but not having the choice t...