Scatteredfafa

Ending scene from the movie Background music:  Exile-Taylor Swift and Bon Iver I twist the ring on my finger nervously. A new ring,a sophisticated wedding ring. Not the ring she gave me when we were kids. I can feel its unfamiliar edges, encircling my finger a bit too tight, squeezing my heart. I continue ascending the rickety spiral stairs which I’ve bounded excitedly up so many times before. She, always in the front, me, right at her heels. “I would have followed you anywhere and everywhere”, a melancholy thought, weighing down every step and something inside me. I shrug it off, “This is right, this is what I want. I am happy now”, I said to myself absent-mindedly and put on a bright smile. When I reach the attic, it is more empty than usual. The trace of notes and scripts that used to be strewn everywhere on the floor has been covered up by a thin film of dust.   I can see a crumpled form covered under a blanket, sleeping on the worn-out couch by the attic window. I kno...

Everything is in pink. Love songs blare inside my brain as soon as I open my eyes in the morning. Sometimes I wonder whether my eyes turn into pulsating heart shaped balloons like in cartoons.  The cold and critical persona which I liked to wear is finally stripped and thrown away, revealing the true romantic and passionate person that I am. I am in love. And it's such a great feeling. I am in love with another human being. A human who glitches between being a boy and a man. When he is a boy,  I have the most adorable child with me and my heart would swell in promise to protect him from any evil and give him all the love I have. As a man, his eyes shine with kindness and his steps radiate courage, when our eyes lock, I swear my heart stops and whispers, 'He's superman'.  This is better than winning the lottery. Having met him and then being loved by him, it feels like I've won the whole world. 

It feels as though I've stumbled through the months and have bewilderingly arrived at the last journey of the year. I'm having mixed feelings of excitement tinged with the ever present melancholy when the year comes to a close. Will I ever escape this sadness when things end? I doubt it. 

I have arrived again at a crossroad. The arrow signs are crooked and unwieldy. My compass has gone haywire and I can feel the invisible tugs coming from every direction. A choice has to be made, but my heart is heavy and my legs refuse to take another step forward nor backward. It's a strange predicament to be in. Knowing the sky is the limit but yet struggling to fight off the feeling of being chained and restrained. I've been standing at the same intersection for some time, trying to calm the nerves that frizzled at every bird that flutters past and to hold on to hope that dwindles at every light that dims. Time flies, ignoring my silent hopeless pleas of stopping just for me, a wretchedly lost girl.  And so I come, to the comfort of words, to listen to my heart. I've come back to swim in the swirl of my thoughts. I shall now sit and listen at the crossroad. Soon, I'll see my path and walk it with faith. 

 "One who loves nothing and no one, would not be afraid of death."

"A lifetime ago, my heart tore and my blood dyed my soul black, but on one moon, the emptiness drained and colour seeped in again, and suddenly I saw you, standing there, bright yellow and blue, and I blushed red."

It came from the sea.  The man, but not exactly a man, one who's standing stiffly at the other end of the swimming pool. It shall be referred to as a "he" to avoid confusion, but readers beware, always keep in mind that he was not a human and it is dangerous to forget that he was not, because you'll have empathy, and empathy is a weakness, and such weakness kills. His hair was slick and slimy, tangled with kelps, crusted with barnacles. Lips tinted blue and fish scales at the elbows and neck glistened in the sunlight. Muttering under his breath, he lifted his head up and stared at me with his bloodshot eyes.  "We're...here...Frances. Now you... drown.", he gasped, like he's shocked that he had a voice. Just a slave, a sacrifice and I could see fear in his eyes, pleading for an escape from his fate. But we both know, only the sweet kiss of death could help us both. It would have been pitiful if it wasn't for the death threat and the fact that he w...