Extrovert Or Introvert? Or Somewhere Between

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I don't think I am an extrovert but I'm not entirely an introvert as well. Maybe I'm an ambivert or an introvert who tries to be more extroverted.


Here's how my social life goes: 


I like talking but I prefer listening. I love going out with people who have many things to say and I get to just sit and listen. I can be very talkative and I do have a lot of nonsense, fun facts, jokes and gossips packed inside me, but sometimes I wish people would tell me stories and make me laugh instead. I love collecting stories like the Grimm brothers. I call anything anyone says as stories. Questions like "How are you" makes me uncomfortable. I'd have the itch to talk about how I felt when I woke up that day or how bad my PMS was last month, but I'd suffer from inner panic because I don't know where to start and end up just awkwardly avoiding the question. Some days I can call my friends for no reasons at all, while some days even replying to a 'Hi' takes a huge effort and deep breaths. I can be excited to hang out for the whole day or groan at an invite for a quick dinner. 


I don't like crowds, it frustrates me; but it doesn't mean I like to always be cooped up in my room. I'm equally fond of going out and laze at home. I find it eerily depressing if a place has only a few people. Reminds me of the horror movie 'House of Wax'. I like the sound of quiet conversations in cafes, the tinkling of ceramic cups and soft music in the background. I used to read beside the swimming pool at my residential clubhouse, with the sound of children laughing and splashing water. I don't hate people, I just wish there are less people in this world (Sorry). I like blending in with the public and just observe human beings, guessing their dark dirty secrets. I greet and smile at strangers all the time but if they actually come up and talk to me, I'd blush and pretend that I'm deep in thought. 


I remember going to a birthday party last year. I was so hyped because the covid cases were decreasing and I was finally allowed to go out. I was pretty excited and talked to random strangers, acting like I'm interested in getting to know them, but then I found myself crouching beside the couch alone, silently reading articles, telling my friends I was 'doing something' when I just wanted to slip out and go home.


I can go around the class talking to nearly everyone and I wouldn't feel awkward or shy. But most of the time, I want to be alone, reading my notes and scowl at every passing human beings. I don't like doing group projects but I yearn to work in a team like Criminal Minds. I hate being part of a big group of friends, it's tiring and I never feel like I belong. It's just fine. I don't need a crowd but I'm fine with being in a crowd, as long as I have a quiet corner to sit and talk to another fellow loner. Just that one or two 'chosen ones' who I think I might build a connection with. 


Do I think I don't need friends? No. Having friends who love you and you love back is one of the best things in life. I WANT people in my life and I have social needs but I am quite a loner at heart too. I guess I have the best of both extroversion and introversion. 
I love to carve my mind into words, to trace my heart on paper. Here, to type as my voice sings inside my head. Embarking on an adventure of self acceptance, self love, self improvement and soul searching. I wish to share it, the ups and downs. Perhaps I could inspire someone to finally start their overdue pilgrimage, or to be a friend to someone who is on the same hike. Expect personal stories, lessons learned, controversial opinions, fanfictions, honest reviews and emotional rants. You can call me Tortoise! FUN FACTS ABOUT ME: *Age:23 (still as confuse as ever!) *Zodiac sign:Cancer *Personality: INFP-T *Goodreads:https://www.goodreads.com/tortoiseteoh

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