Scatteredfafa

In a tiny little cottage obscured deep in the forest, with two chimneys and walls made up of twigs and stones, there lives Effie who loves nonsense more than anyone else. She has a head of colourful long hair tied into three ponytails because two makes too much sense and one makes her sad. She has a laugh too loud from a little girl like her and sometimes it comes with tears and a snort that seems to be infectious to those around her.   Her friends live together in the crowded village, because they had said it made much more sense to always be with people you care about. They had frown and tutted at Effie’s cottage when they came to visit, saying it is nonsense to live so far alone. Effie had simply tutted back and ran around her cottage, singing at the top of her lungs.   “Stop it Effie! You’re being too loud!”, her friends had shouted through her singing, but Effie paid no heed because she had moved on to hit on her drums, playing the most impressive beats. When she ...

Healing is a process. Self love, a relationship with yourself is like any other relationships, it's not perfect and sometimes a turbulence hits.  I've just realised that these few days, I have not been true to myself and it has caused me to relapse. I don't know where my mind went, I wasn't conscious. Doing things that I don't want to do and being a pathetic beta. Let's call her out shall we.  Few nights ago, a group of friends of mine wanted to have a call, I didn't really want to but I went anyways. I was quiet the whole time, I felt even lonelier than being alone. I've never known how to end or leave a call, and so I stayed on, and I hated myself for that so much. It's not their fault. I wanted to be part of their group. I messed up my own sleep schedule and neglected my own feelings, and ended up being really angry at myself. The old me wouldn't have done that, the old me cared about me. I need to believe that I'm good enough that people ...

I miss life before this nightmare. I've compromised the 'new normal' which requires face masks in public and wired my brain into not standing too close to people, but now we are thrown back into isolation, and it's driving me crazy.  I'm immensely grateful that I get to cower in a comfortable home and wait out the 'war'. But it's getting depressing and not doing anything to help the situation fills me up with guilt and I feel ashamed to even feel what I feel, let alone express it. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Some days I remember that life needs to go on and to focus on the things I can control and appreciate life, but some days I cannot find the will to get up from bed to face another day of bad news. It's a loop of dejected sighs seeing the rise in numbers and self pep talks to maintain the hope that things will get better. It's tiring to get up each day just to trip again and again, wondering when it will ever end. I cannot se...

I don't think I am an extrovert but I'm not entirely an introvert as well. Maybe I'm an ambivert or an introvert who tries to be more extroverted. Here's how my social life goes:  I like talking but I prefer listening. I love going out with people who have many things to say and I get to just sit and listen. I can be very talkative and I do have a lot of nonsense, fun facts, jokes and gossips packed inside me, but sometimes I wish people would tell me stories and make me laugh instead. I love collecting stories like the Grimm brothers. I call anything anyone says as stories. Questions like "How are you" makes me uncomfortable. I'd have the itch to talk about how I felt when I woke up that day or how bad my PMS was last month, but I'd suffer from inner panic because I don't know where to start and end up just awkwardly avoiding the question. Some days I can call my friends for no reasons at all, while some days even replying to a 'Hi' takes ...

Among the sweet birthday wishes I've received, there is one particular word from an old friend, that seems to have followed me around the whole day, ringing behind the back of my mind. I'm sure it was just a simple choice of words, it was not intended for me to focus on or to be obssessed over, yet here I am, alone in my room, the voice in my mind chanting it like a psycho.  "Precious". The exact sentence was "U r precious". I roll the word in my tongue and whisper it out in a hiss. I don't think anyone has ever said that to me. I feel like a newborn baby, appreciated for simply being alive. A hand caressing a trail on my cheek tickling me like tears, tucking wispy strands of hair behind my ears, reminding me I should never be hurt, because 'I am Precious'. Maybe it's the person who said it, the way she said it, this specific word, or I've never considered myself precious. It makes me want to cry, the good kind. 

I'm in a dilemma. Well, my own dilemma caused by personal overthinking. The story is as such. I have a friend who came to ask me how often do I talk to my sister (I call her Sissy). Surprisingly at that exact same time, I was just telling Sissy about the ugly hoodie my other sister (I call her Salini) has bought. The video call lasted for about 3 hours, and when I was done, I came back to my friend's 38 messages telling me about how upset she is about her sister. A summary of it is basically, she misses her sister but she thinks her sister doesn't love her as much as she does. I don't really know her sister and I don't think it's true, but I know the only person who can verify and make her feel better is her sister. 心病终须心药治 解铃还须系铃人.  Why do I find this very distressing? Because I'm very tempted to intervene. I'm just chaotic in the way that I don't want to just provide comfort to people, I want to go all the way brainstorming and solving the issues p...

At the start of quarantine, I was thrilled to be able to do online classes. It meant I don't need to socialise, don't need to face terrible humans or be stucked in traffic jams which I could feel sucking the life out of me. (Pinterest) Me in my fluffy bath robe and 150ml of wine for the antioxidants every other night. Time passed, online classes for my final year in University has come to an end, and we are still stuck in quarantine. Again. To be honest, I'm starting to get.... lonely. A sign confirming that I am human with social needs. There goes any hope of me getting notified that I am actually a mermaid. I have caring friends and a loving family, but I still feel lonely sometimes. It confuses me too. I talk to my family everyday but sometimes I just feel this pang of emptiness. My friends seem to be living busy and fulfilled lives that I'm always scared I might be talking too much (which I know is absurd). I'm always alone in my room and although I love being f...