Scatteredfafa

My mind has been swarming with negative thoughts, and the familiar feeling of doom is back. My pores are clogged up with toxicity oozing out from inside me, and the air around me feels heavy, clinging on to my skin, anchoring me to the dark clouds that surround me, drowning myself in a torpedo that no one else can see. I feel very bad about myself. There's so much limiting beliefs that I cannot shake off. People say self-awareness is the first step towards healing, but I feel like I'm still stuck in square one. I'm confused and lost but most of all, I'm scared. I'm afraid of the future.  I'm stuck inside too long. I wonder whether the sun misses me, but then I doubt that, who am I anyways. There goes the problematic self-deprecating way of how I talk to myself these days. There's no need to contemplate on whether or not I think too much, I'm a known overthinker.  Delving in deeper, all I see are my flaws, and I don't know how to look somewhere else. ...

As someone who gets taunted at night by the ghost of past mistakes, a lot, I'm writing this on a bright sunny afternoon with a clear conscience, to remind you and myself that we are not our past. We get to evolve, we get to be someone new and better.  We all have those moments when we turn around and briefly look again at the past. Sometimes it can start with something small like spilling coffee, and we start travelling to the bad parts of the past. If we don’t stop it, we will find ourselves stumbling through the rabbit hole, landing in the underground archive of our mistakes and regrets in life. Ornaments from an embarassing thing we said, souvenirs from broken friendships. We’re no Alice, there’s no ‘Eat me’ cake or ‘Drink me’ potion to save us into finding a way out. We will be left a crumpled mess, too absorbed in self-pity to realise we fit through the door to leave afterall. But we can leave, and we'll get better and faster at finding the way out.

Olympic drama, politics, plague, people etc! So many things! So many problems! So many hate! So many evil! I'm moving to another planet, where love grows flowers and tears heal all wounds. I'm just tired, knowing very well that I have not done anything for the fight against evil and contributed nothing to the world but I still wish I can bring joy and hope amidst the chaos. I don't care about drama where it just involves pure hate, not scandals and conspiracy theories. Politics hurts my feelings, I can't believe how selfish politicians can sleep at night. If I think too much about the coronavirus, I don't think I can function. It seems like everyone is preoccupied with either one of those things right now, I wouldn't want to be a bother. And so I isolate myself and I write. I've been writing everyday, but I never finish any of them. Conversations with myself has increased tenfold and I have this nagging feeling to be a whole new person and start a new life. ...

I've finished 11 seasons of Modern Family. What am I supposed to do with my life now? *SOBS Modern Family tells the story of 3 extended family. Jay and his young wife, Gloria with her son, Manny. Claire and her husband, Phill with their three children, Hailey, Alex and Luke. Mitch and Cam with their adopted daughter, Lily. Mitch and Claire are Jay's children.  I don't get obssessed with TV series and I have the bad habit of skipping or increasing playback speed when I watch something, but this is the only one show that I savoured every single second and paused when I'm getting food. As per the title of the show, it shows an unconventional family set up. Gays, age-gap and young parents.  The best thing I love about this show is their relationship. They have a family bond that I'm very envious of and they are the depiction of the American Dream. Although they can be chaotic at times, arguing and trying to avoid family gatherings, they still love each other and at the ...

(AcousticTrench) My heart melts everytime I see her. Now when I watch the videos, I cry. Such an angel. There's a youtube channel called 'Acoustic Trench'  where a talented musician bless us with videos of him playing the guitar, sometimes the kalimba or the harp with his dog by his side. The first video I watched was him playing 'Can't help falling in love with you' on the kalimba and Maple was in the background enjoying the windy day, with maple leaves strewn all over the grass. It immediately gained me as a subscriber.  On a random day(yesterday), I randomly sent a video of them that I was watching to my friend, and she told me Maple has passed away last week, it was posted on their instagram. It's now the second day of knowing that and I still can't believe it. Mapel was such an angel. I wish the human all the best. I'm going to miss Maple. If you want to cry, here's the video of the human playing 'What a Wonderful World' saying goo...

(Tortoise) Capturing the beauty I see through my eyes. Here is the link to the song - Late Night Melancholy . You should listen to it while you read this. I've never thought "hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmmmmm, hmm" would be my favourite song, but it is, and I'm writing to say how much I love it. I wish I could listen to this song on the train. Everytime I'm listening to the song (which is 24 hours since it's on loop non-stop in my mind), I imagine myself as a swaying tree with flowers snowing down or a drugged hippie in my own world. It fills me up with melancholy as its name promises. Sometimes the 'tearful and life is meaningless' kind of melancholy, and sometimes the 'everything happens for a reason and I'm where I'm meant to be' kind of melancholy. It makes me miss people, the ones I knew and strangers I don't even know. I hate it but love it at the same time. I guess I'm addicted to being sad for no obvious reasons, crying is catha...