Scatteredfafa

Just watched the news, it's heartbreaking to see the devastating condition we are in. We can cry and we can be angry, but we must never lose hope. We must do the best we can with the bitter lemons thrown at us. We have to focus on things that matter in life and appreciate every little thing that is good. Be kinder and more thoughtful of others. Care more, it doesn't hurt. Be there for someone who needs you. Make someone laugh, make sure they know you're there for them.  Because right now, everyone could use with a little love and laughter.

I miss life before this nightmare. I've compromised the 'new normal' which requires face masks in public and wired my brain into not standing too close to people, but now we are thrown back into isolation, and it's driving me crazy.  I'm immensely grateful that I get to cower in a comfortable home and wait out the 'war'. But it's getting depressing and not doing anything to help the situation fills me up with guilt and I feel ashamed to even feel what I feel, let alone express it. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Some days I remember that life needs to go on and to focus on the things I can control and appreciate life, but some days I cannot find the will to get up from bed to face another day of bad news. It's a loop of dejected sighs seeing the rise in numbers and self pep talks to maintain the hope that things will get better. It's tiring to get up each day just to trip again and again, wondering when it will ever end. I cannot se...

I don't think I am an extrovert but I'm not entirely an introvert as well. Maybe I'm an ambivert or an introvert who tries to be more extroverted. Here's how my social life goes:  I like talking but I prefer listening. I love going out with people who have many things to say and I get to just sit and listen. I can be very talkative and I do have a lot of nonsense, fun facts, jokes and gossips packed inside me, but sometimes I wish people would tell me stories and make me laugh instead. I love collecting stories like the Grimm brothers. I call anything anyone says as stories. Questions like "How are you" makes me uncomfortable. I'd have the itch to talk about how I felt when I woke up that day or how bad my PMS was last month, but I'd suffer from inner panic because I don't know where to start and end up just awkwardly avoiding the question. Some days I can call my friends for no reasons at all, while some days even replying to a 'Hi' takes ...

(Tortoise) Have you ever felt angry or sad because of something someone did or said? Going through all the details again to find an answer for why things turned out the way it did, asking God for the thousandth time, what went wrong? Sometimes, there's clearly nothing you can do about it. As much as the truth hurts, you have to admit that deep down you know they couldn't care less what you think or feel. Neither confrontation nor heart-to-heart is an option. The only option is to let it go and move on and closure is one you need to give yourself. I've found a method that works for me: write. Write everything you want to say in a letter, full of anger and as raw as slicing your own skin and flesh. Pour everything, don't leave anything out, be as flowery or blunt as you want, swear till your heart's content. Then when you're done and ready, wipe your tears away like you're smearing war paint across your cheeks, and never send it out. Have a funeral for all tho...

I'm in a dilemma. Well, my own dilemma caused by personal overthinking. The story is as such. I have a friend who came to ask me how often do I talk to my sister (I call her Sissy). Surprisingly at that exact same time, I was just telling Sissy about the ugly hoodie my other sister (I call her Salini) has bought. The video call lasted for about 3 hours, and when I was done, I came back to my friend's 38 messages telling me about how upset she is about her sister. A summary of it is basically, she misses her sister but she thinks her sister doesn't love her as much as she does. I don't really know her sister and I don't think it's true, but I know the only person who can verify and make her feel better is her sister. 心病终须心药治 解铃还须系铃人.  Why do I find this very distressing? Because I'm very tempted to intervene. I'm just chaotic in the way that I don't want to just provide comfort to people, I want to go all the way brainstorming and solving the issues p...

(Tortoise) Bought it from a thrift shop in Penang In the Tales Of Beedle The Bard by J.K Rowling, there's a story called ' The Warlock's Hairy Heart ' which I think is the most gruesome yet the best fairytale I've ever read. You can click on the title to get the PDF version, or read the summary by yours truly here. To my friends and family, I'll be happy to lend you the book too. Here it goes: (Crude version) There was a warlock (Basically a very powerful wizard) who saw how his friends became stupid when they fell in love. He did not like being stupid, so he cut opened his heart and kept it under lock and key in the dungeon. He was very pleased and praised himself for not having any feelings. He pitied his friends who had children. When his parents died, he thought that was a blessing. But one day, he overheard his servants questioning how he was unable to attract anyone and the warlock took this very personally as an insult. Thus, he decided to find and marry ...

(Tortoise) Capturing the beauty I see through my eyes. Here is the link to the song - Late Night Melancholy . You should listen to it while you read this. I've never thought "hmmm, hmmm, hmmm, hmmmmmm, hmm" would be my favourite song, but it is, and I'm writing to say how much I love it. I wish I could listen to this song on the train. Everytime I'm listening to the song (which is 24 hours since it's on loop non-stop in my mind), I imagine myself as a swaying tree with flowers snowing down or a drugged hippie in my own world. It fills me up with melancholy as its name promises. Sometimes the 'tearful and life is meaningless' kind of melancholy, and sometimes the 'everything happens for a reason and I'm where I'm meant to be' kind of melancholy. It makes me miss people, the ones I knew and strangers I don't even know. I hate it but love it at the same time. I guess I'm addicted to being sad for no obvious reasons, crying is catha...

I had a video call with a close friend for more than 2 hours and then jumped from one chat box to the other. I was only talking to a few people on the same day, and now I'm ready to slam every door I can find and ask the whole world to shut up. Really dramatic. I don't know how people do this. I've seen my sisters' chat boxes and how she's always on the phone, the amount of notifications alone is enough to give me anxiety.  I love my family and friends, I really do, but catching up can be so tiring! Socialising for too long switches on my bitch mode (Okay, bitchier mode). In real life, I would just stare at everyone without saying anything, being passive aggresive, now I just ignore people. Do I feel bad for being like that? I do. But I can't help it. I get so angry I don't even want to look at the people I'm with. Sometimes I think I only enjoy reading text messages from people, anecdotes of what they've been up to, but I don't like replying. I...

(Pinterest) I'm always afraid I have met all the best people I was destined to meet, even though I know I have not met all the people I don't know I will love yet.  I think the fact that I feel so free to be a loner is because I know that I am actually not alone. I know there's no risk. I believe if I disappear for years, I'd still have a spot back home, a spot in someone's heart. I had a best friend who told me about how life is like a train. People get on and get off the train when they've reached their station and it's okay. The irony was, we were talking about other people and I never thought we even had a stop station in the other's life, but then we had. I'm excited to meet new people in my life but something doesn't feel right inside, I feel inhibited, closed off, and ingenuine. With so much time alone for self-reflection, I've found my problem. I compare every new people with the people I've crossed path with in my life. I'm s...

"If you  don't  heal  from what  hurt you ,  you ' ll bleed  on people who didn't cut  you ." – Tamara Kulish. Have you ever felt like a lumpy piece of rag doll? Angry and depressed at the same time? So hurt that all you want to do is hurt other people. You don't actually want to hurt them, you just want them to understand how you feel  or simply to have someone punished in the hope to ease the pain. A used, filty, torn rag doll. Have you ever lashed out or did something horribly wrong to someone out of anger at yourself or someone else? The guilt afterwards which you try to suppress by convincing yourself that you were not wrong, they crossed the line by not understanding but you knew you were just punishing them for something entirely not their fault. It's embarassing and hard to admit, but I've been there. Just like the lion from the story 'Androcles and The Lion'. A lion who roared at everyone because it was in agony from a thorn embedded i...