Scatteredfafa

I have arrived again at a crossroad. The arrow signs are crooked and unwieldy. My compass has gone haywire and I can feel the invisible tugs coming from every direction. A choice has to be made, but my heart is heavy and my legs refuse to take another step forward nor backward. It's a strange predicament to be in. Knowing the sky is the limit but yet struggling to fight off the feeling of being chained and restrained. I've been standing at the same intersection for some time, trying to calm the nerves that frizzled at every bird that flutters past and to hold on to hope that dwindles at every light that dims. Time flies, ignoring my silent hopeless pleas of stopping just for me, a wretchedly lost girl.  And so I come, to the comfort of words, to listen to my heart. I've come back to swim in the swirl of my thoughts. I shall now sit and listen at the crossroad. Soon, I'll see my path and walk it with faith. 

I don't think I am an extrovert but I'm not entirely an introvert as well. Maybe I'm an ambivert or an introvert who tries to be more extroverted. Here's how my social life goes:  I like talking but I prefer listening. I love going out with people who have many things to say and I get to just sit and listen. I can be very talkative and I do have a lot of nonsense, fun facts, jokes and gossips packed inside me, but sometimes I wish people would tell me stories and make me laugh instead. I love collecting stories like the Grimm brothers. I call anything anyone says as stories. Questions like "How are you" makes me uncomfortable. I'd have the itch to talk about how I felt when I woke up that day or how bad my PMS was last month, but I'd suffer from inner panic because I don't know where to start and end up just awkwardly avoiding the question. Some days I can call my friends for no reasons at all, while some days even replying to a 'Hi' takes ...

I had a video call with a close friend for more than 2 hours and then jumped from one chat box to the other. I was only talking to a few people on the same day, and now I'm ready to slam every door I can find and ask the whole world to shut up. Really dramatic. I don't know how people do this. I've seen my sisters' chat boxes and how she's always on the phone, the amount of notifications alone is enough to give me anxiety.  I love my family and friends, I really do, but catching up can be so tiring! Socialising for too long switches on my bitch mode (Okay, bitchier mode). In real life, I would just stare at everyone without saying anything, being passive aggresive, now I just ignore people. Do I feel bad for being like that? I do. But I can't help it. I get so angry I don't even want to look at the people I'm with. Sometimes I think I only enjoy reading text messages from people, anecdotes of what they've been up to, but I don't like replying. I...

At the start of quarantine, I was thrilled to be able to do online classes. It meant I don't need to socialise, don't need to face terrible humans or be stucked in traffic jams which I could feel sucking the life out of me. (Pinterest) Me in my fluffy bath robe and 150ml of wine for the antioxidants every other night. Time passed, online classes for my final year in University has come to an end, and we are still stuck in quarantine. Again. To be honest, I'm starting to get.... lonely. A sign confirming that I am human with social needs. There goes any hope of me getting notified that I am actually a mermaid. I have caring friends and a loving family, but I still feel lonely sometimes. It confuses me too. I talk to my family everyday but sometimes I just feel this pang of emptiness. My friends seem to be living busy and fulfilled lives that I'm always scared I might be talking too much (which I know is absurd). I'm always alone in my room and although I love being f...