Forlorn In The Pandemic

I miss life before this nightmare. I've compromised the 'new normal' which requires face masks in public and wired my brain into not standing too close to people, but now we are thrown back into isolation, and it's driving me crazy. 

I'm immensely grateful that I get to cower in a comfortable home and wait out the 'war'. But it's getting depressing and not doing anything to help the situation fills me up with guilt and I feel ashamed to even feel what I feel, let alone express it. I know I'm not alone in feeling this way. Some days I remember that life needs to go on and to focus on the things I can control and appreciate life, but some days I cannot find the will to get up from bed to face another day of bad news. It's a loop of dejected sighs seeing the rise in numbers and self pep talks to maintain the hope that things will get better. It's tiring to get up each day just to trip again and again, wondering when it will ever end. I cannot see the light at the end of the tunnel but I have to believe there will be. It's disappointing to know that the road to the finish line gets longer and longer because of someone else's fault but those people hide behind shadows and left us running in the dark.

Videos calls and text messages no longer satisfy me. It doesn't matter how much I miss my family and friends. I'm tired. It feels as lonely. We're running in circles and sitting in a rocking chair without moving forward at all. Sure, everyday is a new day, we get to plan different things to do and improve ourselves, but it's the same every single day. We have no weekends to look forward to because it will just be the same. 

I want to go out. I want to drive and be stuck on the highway with everyone else. I miss seeing people. I miss looking into people's eyes and be so uncomfortably close. I miss planning a busy day of running errands or doing the grocery shopping all by myself. I miss getting on the crammed train and just observe the cars below, wondering where everyone is heading off to. I miss when the world gets up for a new exciting day,  and humans with their insignificant lives get the freedom to choose their adventures. I want to hold my friends close to me and see my extended family members. This pandemic has stolen the time I can never get back with my loved ones and I cannot find the forgiveness in my heart towards the selfish people who thought they were more special than the rest.

This is just a rant. Tomorrow I will get up, and I will try to make it a good day, because life moves on, and giving up is not an option.

"I wish it need not have happened in my time," said Frodo. 

"So do I," said Gandalf, "and so do all who live to see such times. But that is not for them to decide. All we have to decide is what to do with the time that is given to us."- J.R.R Tolkien, LOTR.

(Tortoise)