Just A Dumbass Trying

I've wanted to learn many musical instruments in my life, but I'm not good at any of them.

Music has never been my forte. I cannot even sing. I can never remember lyrics or the tune or pitch, anything that makes the song, a song. My sister always says that I ruin the song for her after listening to me singing it. Well at least she'll laugh when she listens to that song now. 

I don't have the voice of an angel. That's fine, but I don't have the fingers for music either. Tragic. Or maybe I'm just lazy and impatient. 

My parents have always wanted us to have the opportunities they didn't have when they were younger. Hence, the typical ballet, piano, swimming lessons etc; but I was inelegant for ballet; Piano never interested me; Swimming? Young me preferred to drown, thank you. 

The first musical instrument I've ever touched was a green colour guitar at a club in Pulau Tioman when I was 6. (Amazing how I can remember what that guitar looked and felt like, but I cannot remember my classmates' names.) We were having a trip with my mum's colleagues, and one of them brought his own guitar and started strumming after dinner. It was love at first sight. It was too big but seeing how fixated I was, the nice male colleague let me hold it. As if the sorting hat from Harry Potter was placed on my head, my mum proclaimed that I was destined to be a guitarist and enrolled me in guitar lessons. I was thrilled.

I had a crush on my first music teacher. She would give me smiley face stickers if I did my homework well. I would tell her about what interesting things I did every other day she didn't see me, like all children do. But... she had to get pregnant and somehow didn't come back to me. What a young age to experience heartbreak. Until today, I still ask my mum what happened to her, and that woman doesn't remember. Was I not good enough for you to stay!? (I know I'm being dramatic) Everything went downhill from there. My guitar journey lasted for 3 years, with a total change of 10 different teachers, and I learned nothing. I dreaded every lesson and hated all the other teachers. I wish someone could have told me that loving something sometimes come with pain. I shouldn't have quitted because it was hard. I should have stayed and waited for her to come back. I really hate her child. 

I never wanted to touch a guitar ever again since I quitted. I wanted to learn ukulele instead which I professed to everyone around me but never did anything about it. Took me many years, but I have finally convinced myself that I have the time to learn something new and found the will by mentally shaming myself for procrastinating. I didn't know what happened, but guess what, I picked up guitar again instead, and I cannot remember why I even wanted to learn ukulele. Perhaps I wanted to settle for less, ukulele basically looks like a guitar. 

So I am learning guitar again, by myself this time. Confirmed that three years of classes were a waste of money and time, because I don't remember anything. It's certainly difficult but luckily I have friends who I can go to for advices. I've been memorising chords and practising a lot till my fingertips are sore. Not being able to practise when I sprained my wrist was mentally agonising. It surprises me how this long lost love reignited can be so much stronger than before. I want to practise all the time even when my fingertips are numb. When I'm not practising, I just want to hold it in my hands, feel the strings vibrate and pretend I know how to play.

If you've been wanting to learn something for a long time, just go do it. You're never too old or too dumb. I understand that sometimes things are difficult and goals seem impossible, but I realised that I'd rather risk failing than wondering why I never even tried when I'm old. You don't have to become a professional to enjoy doing something. You can just be a dumbass trying.