Introspection

Healing is a process. Self love, a relationship with yourself is like any other relationships, it's not perfect and sometimes a turbulence hits. 

I've just realised that these few days, I have not been true to myself and it has caused me to relapse. I don't know where my mind went, I wasn't conscious. Doing things that I don't want to do and being a pathetic beta. Let's call her out shall we. 

Few nights ago, a group of friends of mine wanted to have a call, I didn't really want to but I went anyways. I was quiet the whole time, I felt even lonelier than being alone. I've never known how to end or leave a call, and so I stayed on, and I hated myself for that so much. It's not their fault. I wanted to be part of their group. I messed up my own sleep schedule and neglected my own feelings, and ended up being really angry at myself. The old me wouldn't have done that, the old me cared about me. I need to believe that I'm good enough that people want to be my friends and stop feeling like I don't deserve anyone. I need to learn how to say no.

Few days later, I was going to help out a friend's friends to practice for a competition, I didn't even know them and I was scared of messing up. I prepared for the practice the whole day, reading the statutes and coming up with ideas, but in the end, I felt my ideas and opinions weren't good enough, so I told them I did not prepare much and just kept very quiet. I was utterly disgusted with myself, I wasted their time and my own because I was held back by self doubts. I need to learn from this. I need to be better next time. I need to stop sabotaging my own efforts because I always do this. I always stop running when I'm near the finish line.

Those feelings of inferiority and self loathe accumulated and today I jumped out of bed feeling very down and disappointed in myself. It's just one of those days where I just feel not good enough. I tried to shrug it off, I try to ignore the feeling, and before the afternoon heat starts scorching the road outside, I was burning with self loathe and my confidence took a dive, drowning me whole. I spent the whole afternnon being lamented by my own demons and just crying on my bed. Being disappointed in another person is bearable, but being disappointed in yourself? That's pure torture.

I need to forgive myself, learn from the mistakes and move on. I've done some self reflection and found out the root for these issues. I've been feeling very left out being alone, with no connection to other people. So when there's someone who wants to be my friend and contacts me, I jump into it without even asking myself do I even like them. I didn't used to be like this, and now that I'm aware of this problem, I'm going to be more conscious of who I spend my time with. With regards to the second problem, I didn't used to be this way either, I used to be someone who wouldn't back down trying to persuade everyone else to listen to my ideas. I don't really know why I am being such a beta nowadays. There's something or someone that is influencing me, I'm getting too soft and emotional. 

Note to self: I'm an Alpha. My confidence should be quiet. There's nothing wrong not having many friends. If people don't bring value or happiness to my life, I am allowed to slip off silently. Most of the time, it's not who you are that's holding you back, it's who you think you're not. If you have something to say, say it. If you don't have enough skills or knowledge on something, work harder on it, don't sit there, feeling sorry for yourself and accept that you're not good enough. 

Writing put things into perspective. Started off writing this feeling really sad, ending it feeling better. A reminder for myself.