I secretly hope someone reads my diary

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I'm back. It's 2am. And I have things I want to say to everyone. I'd probably regret it, I mean regretting being vulnerable, not the things I am going to say. But who's going to read this anyways? My blog is like my diary, which I secretly hope someone would read but no one will. 


I've missed writing. I didn't realise this until tonight. What have I been doing? So preoccupied to the point I've negected what sets my soul on fire. I'm disappointed in myself, but I've just learned a new word:  "Amor fati", it means love of one's fate, and I intend to practise this stoic way of life. It's Nietzche by the way. Is it fate that I didn't write? Is it fate that it just so happened that I had time to write but didn't feel inspired to? I don't know, it clearly stems directly from my choice to not write, but I'd like to blame it on fate. 


I should probably write a little something each night. Maybe I should write stories. 


Okay blah blah blah, let's be vulnerable shall we?


The thing is, what's keeping me up this late is that I'm afraid I don't know what is love. "Love is patient, Love is kind". All I can think right now is Love is so difficult. I can't stand being around people I suppose I love all the time. I love my family, no doubt about that, but am I loving them correctly? If I'm not, is that love? Would anyone tolerate me as my family would? Would I tolerate anyone as I would towards my family? Hmm maybe love isn't hard, it's the compromising, tolerating, and forgiving that is hard.


It's a mess because I'm over-analysing things. I perfectly aware the problem exists in my head. I wish I could say this is a disease of 'wrongful self blaming' but it's not, it's taking accountability, and I hate it. I wish I could be a stubborn and self righteous child but the world would still be forgiving and still oohs and ahhs at my innocence of not knowing better.


I'm all over the place am I not? This is my diary, I'm allowed to be. It's my birth right.


I am going to regret staying up this late. But I can't sleep!


That's all. I'm kinda sleepy. 




I love to carve my mind into words, to trace my heart on paper. Here, to type as my voice sings inside my head. Embarking on an adventure of self acceptance, self love, self improvement and soul searching. I wish to share it, the ups and downs. Perhaps I could inspire someone to finally start their overdue pilgrimage, or to be a friend to someone who is on the same hike. Expect personal stories, lessons learned, controversial opinions, fanfictions, honest reviews and emotional rants. You can call me Tortoise! FUN FACTS ABOUT ME: *Age:23 (still as confuse as ever!) *Zodiac sign:Cancer *Personality: INFP-T *Goodreads:https://www.goodreads.com/tortoiseteoh

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