Scatteredfafa

 Dear readers, They used to say "time flies" and I thought I understood what they meant, but really I didn't. And now I'm here, just realizing it has been 3 years since I've last written here, and I'm wondering how did that happen. How did I not write for 3 years but it felt like I just posted my first blog last week. It's the first day of 2026 and I'm in my late twenties now. I was tidying up my google drives and basically just getting ready for the year ahead when I suddenly remembered about this long forgotten blog. I'd like to tell myself that this year I would set a goal to write again, but years of breaking that promise to myself has taught me to distrust my own words.  But would it hurt to try again? To place my faith in myself. Perhaps one year I might actually honor the promise and came through.  I shall try. As usual, I have a few goals and plans for the new year. It might seem silly to try and "rebrand" myself every time the ne...

Came across a picture book with remarkable illustrations. I don't remember the name, just that it was about a tiger and its smile. I don't know what other people think when they flip through the pages of jungles and arrive on the last page showing the imaginative, unrealistic grin of a tiger, but here's what popped into my mind: I am going to learn how to draw. I highly suspect that the main reason why I have barely accomplished anything with my life has to do with the fact that I want to do too many things, be too many Mes, and of course another reason could quite easily be that I have a genetic disease of procrastinating. I want to learn so many things and sometimes I wish I could rewind time and redo life.  I think a lot of things, but mostly I dream. I dream about all the possibilities, all the versions of me. A cartoonist, a film director, a writer, a pilot, a chef, a tree... Yes, a tree, with barks and leaves. Then I overthink and ruffle myself up to a state of melanc...

I'm back. It's 2am. And I have things I want to say to everyone. I'd probably regret it, I mean regretting being vulnerable, not the things I am going to say. But who's going to read this anyways? My blog is like my diary, which I secretly hope someone would read but no one will.  I've missed writing. I didn't realise this until tonight. What have I been doing? So preoccupied to the point I've negected what sets my soul on fire. I'm disappointed in myself, but I've just learned a new word:  "Amor fati", it means love of one's fate, and I intend to practise this stoic way of life. It's Nietzche by the way. Is it fate that I didn't write? Is it fate that it just so happened that I had time to write but didn't feel inspired to? I don't know, it clearly stems directly from my choice to not write, but I'd like to blame it on fate.  I should probably write a little something each night. Maybe I should write stories.  Okay ...

The world is vast beneath me. The awareness that I'm just a speck in the universe hightens yet I feel much more alive and seen than I've ever felt. I stretch my wings wide as the fast wind ruffles through my feathers, urging me to leap off the tallest building in the world and trust my wings will carry me somewhere and my heart will soar. Do I trust the wind? Do I trust my wings? Do I trust the place I'm going? Would trust be enough? I turn my head around and squint my small eyes against the torrent of the wind, just enough time for courage to dissipate and self doubts barges in. Do I really need to do this now? What if I can't do it? What if I fall? Suddenly I can't breathe. My heart's drumming in more fear with each deafening beat.  I close my eyes and take a deep breath, trying to push the fear down. It is now or never. I will always be afraid, it will still be scary the next time, but each time I survive the jump, I will be braver and stronger. I lift one le...

In a tiny little cottage obscured deep in the forest, with two chimneys and walls made up of twigs and stones, there lives Effie who loves nonsense more than anyone else. She has a head of colourful long hair tied into three ponytails because two makes too much sense and one makes her sad. She has a laugh too loud from a little girl like her and sometimes it comes with tears and a snort that seems to be infectious to those around her.   Her friends live together in the crowded village, because they had said it made much more sense to always be with people you care about. They had frown and tutted at Effie’s cottage when they came to visit, saying it is nonsense to live so far alone. Effie had simply tutted back and ran around her cottage, singing at the top of her lungs.   “Stop it Effie! You’re being too loud!”, her friends had shouted through her singing, but Effie paid no heed because she had moved on to hit on her drums, playing the most impressive beats. When she ...

My mind has been swarming with negative thoughts, and the familiar feeling of doom is back. My pores are clogged up with toxicity oozing out from inside me, and the air around me feels heavy, clinging on to my skin, anchoring me to the dark clouds that surround me, drowning myself in a torpedo that no one else can see. I feel very bad about myself. There's so much limiting beliefs that I cannot shake off. People say self-awareness is the first step towards healing, but I feel like I'm still stuck in square one. I'm confused and lost but most of all, I'm scared. I'm afraid of the future.  I'm stuck inside too long. I wonder whether the sun misses me, but then I doubt that, who am I anyways. There goes the problematic self-deprecating way of how I talk to myself these days. There's no need to contemplate on whether or not I think too much, I'm a known overthinker.  Delving in deeper, all I see are my flaws, and I don't know how to look somewhere else. ...

"A lifetime ago, my heart tore and my blood dyed my soul black, but on one moon, the emptiness drained and colour seeped in again, and suddenly I saw you, standing there, bright yellow and blue, and I blushed red."

I've been incredibly busy and overwhelmed. With my sister's 21st birthday coming up, personal projects and school, I find myself locked and tied, yet again. Some heavy anchors and locks, some ribbons and heart strings. They said life would get easier, you'll have time to be who you are one day. I thought one day the sacrifices and regrets would make sense. But 5 years later, I only realised, life doesn't get easier, you only get stronger and most of the time, good things don't come twice. Sometimes the only thing you can do is move on from mistakes when you find yourself repeating them over and over again.  I don't really know where I'm going with this post. I'm just itching to write something, anything at all. It's no secret that I have a problem with commitment and hence all the short stories that I never finish because my mind is buzzing with too many ideas. I'd post the half-hearted writings, maybe finish them someday.  Dear readers, I need t...

As someone who gets taunted at night by the ghost of past mistakes, a lot, I'm writing this on a bright sunny afternoon with a clear conscience, to remind you and myself that we are not our past. We get to evolve, we get to be someone new and better.  We all have those moments when we turn around and briefly look again at the past. Sometimes it can start with something small like spilling coffee, and we start travelling to the bad parts of the past. If we don’t stop it, we will find ourselves stumbling through the rabbit hole, landing in the underground archive of our mistakes and regrets in life. Ornaments from an embarassing thing we said, souvenirs from broken friendships. We’re no Alice, there’s no ‘Eat me’ cake or ‘Drink me’ potion to save us into finding a way out. We will be left a crumpled mess, too absorbed in self-pity to realise we fit through the door to leave afterall. But we can leave, and we'll get better and faster at finding the way out.

In a blink of an eye, there are only 4 months left to another new year.  I would like to first congratulate all of us for surviving. Survival has been the ultimate goal these two years. Despite the many disappointments and regrets over what-could-haves, I am immensely grateful to be alive. I'll leave the more thoughtful and tear-jerking 'essay' reflecting the year in December, I just want to whip up something short about my thoughts and feelings on these past 8 months. The first 3 months was me being burned out and busy with moot competition. People say, "To do one thing that scares you every year", I've gotten that out of the way early on. They were dark days filled with anxiety and nervousness. Surprisingly in the midst of it all, I still had a lot of fun. It's the first time in many years that I finally allowed myself to relax over studying and not to punish myself too hard. I'm really glad I took that leapt to step out of my comfort zone, even thou...

Imagine this: You're in the library, expecting to get some work done in peace and quiet, undistracted. Then two girls sitting infront you start whispering. You tell yourself it's okay, everyone talks sometimes, maybe they're just discussing questions for awhile. You're an understandable person. But soon you realised they're not. Snorts of laughter ensues, and few other friends join in. The raucous doesn't seem to be stopping soon. It's you against them, what do you do?  It's morning. You had a rough night overthinking or doing work, but it's a new day and you woke up determined to make it a better day. You plan to have a good hearty breakfast but as soon as you appear in the kitchen, your parents start to complain about everything in this world or tell you about their friends. You're usually interested, but not today, not this early hour. You've tuned out, but the sound is still there, loud and banging. I have many other examples of situation...

Two best friends laid horizontally across the bed, with their legs up against the wall and their hair fanning around them. The occasional sound of lonely cars racing along the dark highway outside, reminding them time has not stopped during their pensiveness. The silence between them was understanding and comfortable, an invisible message hanging in the air: "I'm here for you".  Telulah turned her head to the left and looked at Fiona, who was so still as if she was holding her breath, afraid to disturb the peaceful night. She poked her friend's face, relieved that she was still alive.  "If I'm ever reborn, not that I would want to come to this goddamn world again, I want to be a dog", Telulah said with a deadpan expression, her voice croaking a little at the start. Her delicate eyelashes still wet and crumpled from the weight of her overflown tears. Fiona, continued staring at the glow-in-the-dark stars scattered on the ceiling, afraid to look at her fri...

It was the peak of the Perseid meteor shower a few days ago. Growing up watching Disney, I've always wanted to see a shooting star. Even as a young adult, having spent my whole life learning about logic and reason, there's still this small light of hope inside that if I wish hard enough, a shooting star would hear me and make my wish come true. My wishes have grown bigger and bolder; from the desire of turning into a princess to being happy everyday. There's so much I want to wish for. I want to wish for everyone I love. I wish I could write them all down on a piece of paper and throw it up into the sky and a star would reach for it.  We all could use a wish, especially this year. And so on that day, I waited for the dark sky to rain stars. I waited since 8pm, craning my neck and straining my eyes, just staring at the black sky. But there wasn't even one star in sight, just the moon lonely hanging, surrounded by the polluted air. I wanted to be sad alone, to bathe in my...

I find my mind drifting to the future recently. Imagining the days I would have, the life that I wish I would lead. It's so fun decorating the house I have in my mind. It's like playing sims social or cafe story (My knowledge of games is limited). I would probably still stay here in my little town. I love my little town. The other place I might consider moving to is Ipoh, no explainable reasons. Maybe it's the rumours of good food or the excellent people I know who come from Ipoh. I actually love the current house I'm staying. My room is the best place in the world. But if my parents want to sell it and move back to their hometown, and my sisters are married, I'd want a small little apartment. Like those in F.R.I.E.N.D.S but I think that would be difficult or impossible to find here. It's not going to be minimalistic. Decorations would be everywhere, souvenirs and gifts from loved ones or places I've travelled to, all displayed in the living room. There woul...

I stared at my bookshelves. A haphazard collection of books from different genres. My eyes skimmed through the titles and I caught myself regretting buying some of them even when I know I shouldn't be. I plucked out a book wedged so deeply among others, one that I read when I was in primary school. My fingers left their mark on the dusty cover, I have no recollection of what the book was about, and after reading the description, I cannot remember why I found that book interesting enough to buy it. I hate my younger self for buying such an expensive book which I don't even want to read. I don't remember whether I used to love it. It's one of the signs that I've grown up. Another proof that people change.  With a heavy heart, I wipe off the sheen of dust on the books, flipping through the weathered pages, trying to remember at what age did I meet and hold them for the first time. Books are just objects but to put them away, they mean more than that, it's a reminde...

Miley Cyrus, the one I loved. I loved both Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus. Hannah Montana The Movie was my comfort movie. I've watched it a thousand times. I have DVDs of her shows and her books. I have Hannah Montana stickers. I drew posters of her. My MP3 had only her songs. I knew all of her songs. I cried when we couldn't find a bag with her face on it. I used her photos as profile pictures and got angry when my other friend (who was also a fan) had better photos of her. My pencil case was her, my bag was her, my life evolved around her. She made me very happy.  Then she grew up and became very hot. She had very long mermaid hair. I cried when Hannah Montana show ended but I embraced the new her and her movies. I've watched LOL and The Last Song more times than raesonable. I liked those movies solely because she was in them. I loved her love story with Liam Hemsworth. I obssessed over her. I loved the way she looked and her style. She was so lowkey and her songs were am...

Olympic drama, politics, plague, people etc! So many things! So many problems! So many hate! So many evil! I'm moving to another planet, where love grows flowers and tears heal all wounds. I'm just tired, knowing very well that I have not done anything for the fight against evil and contributed nothing to the world but I still wish I can bring joy and hope amidst the chaos. I don't care about drama where it just involves pure hate, not scandals and conspiracy theories. Politics hurts my feelings, I can't believe how selfish politicians can sleep at night. If I think too much about the coronavirus, I don't think I can function. It seems like everyone is preoccupied with either one of those things right now, I wouldn't want to be a bother. And so I isolate myself and I write. I've been writing everyday, but I never finish any of them. Conversations with myself has increased tenfold and I have this nagging feeling to be a whole new person and start a new life. ...

I have always loved playing 'paradoxical games' where I create hypothetical and sometimes illogical scenarios and ask people what would they do. It's really interesting to hear their justifications and reasonings for their choices.  There's a book called "The Ones Who Walk Away from Omelas". It's a short story about a utopia called Omelas. People there live prosperously in an abundance of joy with days full of festivities. A fairytale land where people daydream to run away to. However, this gaiety of everyone comes with a price, they must make sure that one innocent child will always be kept away in despair; shrouded in perpetual darkness, crouched among his own filth and diseases, forbiddened to ever be cared for and never allowed to taste any tenderness of love. Anyone who break the rule would jeopardise not only themselves but put the land under a curse, turning into a dystopia. To succumb to the rules and turn an eye away from such evil, surpressing on...

'Begonia' is a type of flower symbolising caution, bringing with it ominous warnings of grave dangers and horrible consequences.  Dull colours and dire opening monologue, foretelling us this is for those who have been touched by sadness: everyone. It's the kind of movie that leaves you floating on the ocean, surrounded by your own feelings which threatens drown you when the closing song plays and you're still stuck in the movie long after it ends. There's a similarity with japanese anime especially Studio Ghibli's 'Spirited Away' but it's actually a Chinese animated fantasy movie. Before credits can be given to the movie itself, the story behind the birth of this presumed unlikely success, is enough to draw an oviation. It took more than a decade to produce this movie, with meager finance and powered by just a few people with nothing but talent and a dream. Perfection does not bloom overnight. The sky beneath the sea is gloomy and it domes over the ...

I found this random piece of writing in my laptop. I wrote it while trying to calm down 15 minutes before the exams. The self pep talk sounds silly now, but it helped. I mentioned only one friend of mine because she was still trying to distract me 30 minutes before the exam.  As I've always said, writing put things in perspective.  Here you go, I'm going to leave it unedited.  I am strong and powerful and I am not nervous at all. Exam is just a practice. It does not define who I am as a human being. I am smaart. I shall not let this break me. I can do this. I just need to pass. I don’t needto be spectacilar. Mundane is good. I love mysef. My family loves me. Shanhua loves me. I get to watch movies after this. It’s okay. I can get through this. Many people got through this. It is just part of life. There are more pressing things happening around the world. I am so lucky to be able to sit at home and have the luxury of stressing over things as insignificant as exams while p...