8 Months Gone

In a blink of an eye, there are only 4 months left to another new year. 

I would like to first congratulate all of us for surviving. Survival has been the ultimate goal these two years. Despite the many disappointments and regrets over what-could-haves, I am immensely grateful to be alive. I'll leave the more thoughtful and tear-jerking 'essay' reflecting the year in December, I just want to whip up something short about my thoughts and feelings on these past 8 months.

The first 3 months was me being burned out and busy with moot competition. People say, "To do one thing that scares you every year", I've gotten that out of the way early on. They were dark days filled with anxiety and nervousness. Surprisingly in the midst of it all, I still had a lot of fun. It's the first time in many years that I finally allowed myself to relax over studying and not to punish myself too hard. I'm really glad I took that leapt to step out of my comfort zone, even though it was an arduous journey, I really learned a lot. When I imagine describing those three months (Actually 5 months if including 2020), I'd say it's like doing a plank, it looks easy but you know it's hard, and when you actually try to push yourself, every muscle burns and thoughts of giving up are always there but also the inner voice screaming not to give up.

Let's skip the middle part of the year, it's just studying and frustration of being under lockdown again.

I had a really awesome Chinese New Year and great birthdays so far. My sister left for her job at Johor in April. I am very proud of myself for taking it so well. It made me realise how much I've grown up. I've read really amazing books and learned a lot of new things. Wars, Grief, Domestic Abuse, Sexuality, Guilt, Romance, and Life. I've reached my goal of reading 30 books this year, and even surpassing it with 40 books as of date. I've started a blog which I really enjoy doing and I realised I have a passion for nail art. I've finally started learning guitar after postponing for so many years. I've gotten to know myself better. What I want and what I don't want. Past trauma hurts a bit lesser now and I'm being nicer to myself. My relationship with my younger sister has improved tremendously.

And of course there were a lot of bad days. I suffer from terrible PMS. It means going through depression at intervals every month and excruciating pain just because I'm a girl. I'm really jealous of girls who are spared from this. It consists of crying for no reason, anger at so many things, and feeling like you'll never been happy again. Add that to other random days of failures, self-doubts, loneliness etc. Like I said, most days it's just trying to survive.

Honestly, I had better and bolder plans for my 22nd year on this earth, but I'm still proud and grateful of what I've done with the year so far and for my loved ones to still be heathy and happy, my gratitude is beyond words. It's not a really good year, but it's not bad, at least it's better than last year. I wish I could go to the gym or meet new people, visit my relatives or go out with my friends, to grow up in the area of socialising; but at least I used the time to work on myself and I think I'm a little better than who I was last year. 

I guess the gist of what I want to say is: A lot of things can happen in 8 months, and life is just a mix of sorrows and joys. Cherish the time when things are good and when things are bad, remind yourself that things could be worse and you'll survive it even when you don't think so at the time. Focus on remembering the happy moments, focus on your blessings, focus on the people you love; because before you know it, things change and life ends. Save your tears for the things you can't change, smile when you can.

To those having a hard time, I wish from the bottom of heart that things will get better for you very soon.