How To Politely Tell Someone To STFU

Imagine this:

You're in the library, expecting to get some work done in peace and quiet, undistracted. Then two girls sitting infront you start whispering. You tell yourself it's okay, everyone talks sometimes, maybe they're just discussing questions for awhile. You're an understandable person. But soon you realised they're not. Snorts of laughter ensues, and few other friends join in. The raucous doesn't seem to be stopping soon. It's you against them, what do you do? 

It's morning. You had a rough night overthinking or doing work, but it's a new day and you woke up determined to make it a better day. You plan to have a good hearty breakfast but as soon as you appear in the kitchen, your parents start to complain about everything in this world or tell you about their friends. You're usually interested, but not today, not this early hour. You've tuned out, but the sound is still there, loud and banging.

I have many other examples of situations, but this post is not about examples, it's about how to let someone know they need to shut the fuck up without offending them. I'm not an expert, I used to just blatantly look at people in the eye and tell them they talk too much. The last time I did that I actually felt guilty and swore I'd never do that again.

As usual, I've done some research and long conferences with multiple versions of myself, and I believe I have come up with the best solutions.

1)Think to yourself whether it is a space that people are allowed to talk. If it is, you're the problem and you should move to a quiet place. But if it's not and you're entitled to silence, shoot them. Pew! Pew! Pew!

2)Imagine you are deaf. Convince yourself you hear nothing, fake it till you make it.

3)Make a "No talking" sign, and wherever you go, bring it with you. Act shock to see the sign so that people don't know it's you.

4)If the above effective methods failed, the last resort is to smile apologetically and tell them they're being too loud or that you're not in the mood to talk. Remember that sometimes people are not rude, they may have just gotten carried away or dumb.

Fun fact: In Japan, it is accepted generally that it is rude to talk in the train and answering calls are banned. (So I've heard). I'm a hypocrite. I scowl at people who talk when I'm alone and reading, but if I'm on the train with a friend, I'm pretty sure everyone can hear what I say.

Thank you for joining Tortoise's informative class of "How Tos"! I suddenly have an idea to start a series called "Tortoise The Senpai". And you're welcome!

P.S. I don't know why I have this title in my draft, but it seems important to me at one point so I have to finish writing it.