Being A Fan

Miley Cyrus, the one I loved. I loved both Hannah Montana and Miley Cyrus. Hannah Montana The Movie was my comfort movie. I've watched it a thousand times. I have DVDs of her shows and her books. I have Hannah Montana stickers. I drew posters of her. My MP3 had only her songs. I knew all of her songs. I cried when we couldn't find a bag with her face on it. I used her photos as profile pictures and got angry when my other friend (who was also a fan) had better photos of her. My pencil case was her, my bag was her, my life evolved around her. She made me very happy. 

Then she grew up and became very hot. She had very long mermaid hair. I cried when Hannah Montana show ended but I embraced the new her and her movies. I've watched LOL and The Last Song more times than raesonable. I liked those movies solely because she was in them. I loved her love story with Liam Hemsworth. I obssessed over her. I loved the way she looked and her style. She was so lowkey and her songs were amazing. I wanted to grow up to be someone like her. A somebody. Mind you, I was just a teenager with no identity.

Later came the unexpected era of chaotic Miley. Wrecking ball Miley. The twerking, nude, and tongue out Miley. My mother was appalled and said I should not look up to her anymore. But at that point, I was in the phase of feeling misunderstood by the world and rebellious. I stuck out my tongue in every photos just to piss off my mother. I didn't really liked that new Miley, but I wanted to support her. I felt she was just sad and I didn't want to leave her when she needed us. True fans stick around right? I was adamant to be a true fan. I loved her for so long afterall. I couldn't quit. To admit I was done meant all those love and time were for nothing. I was very sad when she changed so much and became a sexual icon, no longer the country pop girl with the long brown hair. I blamed it on Liam who I thought didn't love her right. I blamed it on Disney for 'destroying' her. After 10 years of on and off relationship, I cried when she posted her wedding photos with Liam, and I filled my twitter with her photos. I showed my mother triumphantly, feeling like I've proven that I believed in the right person.

But as I got older, I realised.... She's no longer the person I loved, and I'm no longer someone who craves to be someone else. I don't think she's happy and I want that for her so badly. She's a kind and loving person, but also very chaotic. She doesn't hurt anyone but herself. She doesn't inspire me anymore and I no longer care about her. I would still defend her and I would still root for her, but I have to admit that at some point, I've let her go.

I know liking celebrities should be casual. They don't even know we exist and life under the spotlight is usually fake. We can never know how they really are in real life. But I was just a young kid who loved a girl in a show, swept into a fantasy where a normal girl at school is actually a popstar. I'd like to pretend I was something special away from school too.

I guess the reason why I don't like any particular bands or celebrities now is because it's tiring. It's like worshipping a star light years away, not even knowing what it actually looks like. When you stop being a fan, you're reminded of how insignificant you are and you carry on existing, occasionally coming across their news and you act as if you've never loved them that much. 

I will always love Hannah Montana/Miley Cyrus who was my role model. I still love her old songs.