Abusive Relationships

I’ve watched a domestic abuse happened right infront of me before. I was just a visitor, I was just a child, I was just there at the wrong time. I remember it vividly how I could feel the fear before the strike happened. The tension in the air as the abuser paced back and forth, his voice raising as harsh words are spewed out and how in a rush he strode in and repeatedly slap her. How it ended was a blur, but I remember the look of the bruises.

 

The memory never goes away. And I wasn’t even part of it. It has been years and when that person is around, all I can think is that moment. I got a glimpse at the monster he is just for a few minutes, and that’s who he is to me for the rest of my life. I can never forgive him for what he did, and luckily I never need to.

I’ve read many books on domestic abuse. Even if the victim tries to convince us readers to look at the good side of the abusers, nothing can soften the steel voice in my mind that they need to leave. But I’ve been reading a book called ‘It ends with us'. It has many good reviews, and I went into it anticipating cheesy romance, but it was more than that. ‘It ends with us’ doesn’t mean it ends with a girl and a boy, it turns out to mean the cycle of domestic abuse in her family ends with this girl and her child when she decides to leave the man she loves.

 

I've never had doubts that domestic abusers don't deserve empathy, but then I caught myself while reading, hoping Lily(the girl in the book) would forgive Ryle(her husband). I had to stop reading for awhile because I felt immensely ashamed. As a defence, without reading it, you can't see why I'd say that, why I was giving an abuser a chance. Ryle is the perfect guy when he's at his best. He's sweet, caring and funny. But when he's triggered, he can't control the beast inside him. When you thought you are blessed with the perfect gift for a long time, it's tempting to ignore one flaw, even if it's not just a slight scratch but a big crack. 

It's easy to hate when the abuser is a scruffy drunk who is ugly inside and out and doesn't have a job, but an abuser can be a highly educated and respected figure in the society who treats you very well except on those rare occassions when 'you triggered' him. What do you do then when 90% of the time he's the best man ever, but 10% of that, you lay on the floor curled up in bruises he said he's sorry for. Ryle in the book is exactly this type, the prince charming with a Do-not-touch red button. In the end, Lily leaves him despite being pregnant. And I'm so proud of her.

The author reveals that Ryle is written based on her own father whom her mother left when the author was 3 years old. The book tugs and pulls on your heartstrings, written so beautifully that you feel all the pain and regret that the author wants you to feel. It's amazing how the author can pull us in and make us step into the shoes of Lily, that as readers, despite having our own voices and opinions, we can't resist the confusion and the doubts a victim experiences. 

I hope none of you would ever find yourself standing at such a crossroad. But if you do, just ask yourself, if it’s happening to someone you love, sister, daughter, mother, what advice would you give them? Dear girls and even boys, no matter what you have done, if they use physical violence on you, you have to leave. 

Another book which touched on abusive relationships is "The Perks Of Being A Wallflower". I've lost count of the number of times I've read this book. It's short but packed with feelings. "We accept the love we think we deserve"- Here's the link to that scene. Paul Rudd looking as gorgeous as ever. That man doesn't age. https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ZrVIhNkOA64